It's 2a.m in the morning.. today is the first time I find it so hard to fall asleep since I've started working for the past 1 year and 3 months.. I usually have no issues sleeping due to my long hours at work... but today is the first time in a really really long time I find it hard to sleep.. is it because I just had like 5 cigarettes a while ago..? I really don't know...
Tonight... there seems to be a lot on my mind... some uneasiness easing into me.. slipping through right to me from toe to top... I seem to be so restless.. so much to say.. so much to tell.. but just can't open up.. I hate this feeling.. I really hate it.. is it because I've lost it...? I've lost touch..? I've lost what it becomes to be my true self? Is it because I'm just a coward hiding underneath my shell.. waiting for things to happen.. waiting for lady luck or santa to say.. hey.. you've been nice.. now here's what you wanted...
I feel so helpless.. so helpless to the fact.. that I will go hide myself in the closet and hide there.. It's not the first time.. and I bet it won't be the last.. Sometimes I wish things would be easier.. things would be more straight forward.. things would always be my way.. but yeah.. I have learnt the hard way.. things do not always happen as you want it.. I want to be different.. I want to emulate others.. I envy what they have.. There's just something missing from me..
The thing with me is... I've never dared to try making changes.. I always take one step forward but the next thing I know I take several steps back.. I am risk averse.. I am afraid of failure.. I am afraid that I'm being battered to the extent that I can't stand up again.. I'm afraid to lose.. I'm afraid to lose what I've built for so long.. and lose it overnight.. I'm afraid of how ppl will look at me..
It's just 2 a.m.. forgive me for babbling..
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