blogging from jakarta

Wow.. it was a two hour trip from the LCC-T in Kuala Lumpur to Jakarta with AirAsia. To be fair to them, AirAsia did quite a decent job in getting my mom and I on time to Jakarta without any delays. Everyone usually tells me that AirAsia is pretty lousy when it comes to following the scheduled time and the delay is usually pretty long. Anyways, the flight was alright and everything went well except for the fact that this dumb dude at the customs asked me for my flight ticket back.. dude... How can I show you my ticket.. when they only give it to u upon ur check in..? And besides.. no dumbass would wanna stay here in Indonesia for the rest of their lives..

Well, the ride from the airport to the hotel.. took up to two hours.. gosh.. the same amount of time I spent travelling from Malaysia to Indonesia. The traffic congestion in the city area is just crazy.. u barely move a metre within a minute. The people here just won't stop honking.. and the motorbikes here are crazy.. I pity those manual car drivers.. Anyways, Jakarta ain't no KL.. eventhough the shopping centers here are massive and quite up to standard. It has too many squatters around the city and people knocking on ur window.. asking you for money or to sell u something.. if you're here for the first time without any knowledge about this city.. u might actually freak out.. Well, to tell you the truth, a lot of websites that I surfed before I came here actually said that Jakarta is quite unsafe...

Anyways, I'm blogging at this place called the Horizon Lounge at Shangri La hotel.. dis place is cool..! I can get free drinks and free food at anytime of the day.. even free liquor..! However, you have to be a Horizon Club member to enjoy the benefits.. and you have to pay an extra fee of USD 30 a night.. well.. it's quite worth it I supposed.. after all.. I'm not paying it.. haha.. The gym is cool, the food is good in the hotel, the ambience is good.. overall I'm quite satisfied..!

Keeps me thinking..

Well, it's been quite some time since I posted up my last post.. some of you might even feel that I won't be blogging anymore.. haha.. well.. all I've been doing for the past two weeks is eating, eating and more mahjonging and mahjonging.. haha.. it seems like good food is a necessity when you come back.. I've gain weight over this two weeks.. gosh.. I would need to keep up with my healthy routine again.. if I really wanna maintain my weight.. really can't imagine what would happen to me if I keep eating like that...

Anyways, my holidays really got somewhat into a kickoff three weeks ago.. when my ex- highschool mates studying ACCA finally finished their exams.. just as it seems that there will be more mahjonging, more food, and more bull shitting sessions... kar hseng has to go and report himself to the NS camp.. gosh.. what a wrong timing for him to do that, when all the fun seems to just be starting.. anyways, it would have been better for him anyways... rather than wasting his time sitting at home.. and only eat n play mahjong... (seems like I'm talking bout myself). Anyways, this following 1 and a half months.. will be much more quieter without him... as we not have enough mahjong kakis.. aihhhsss.. sienzzzzzzz.. well.. guess it's back to jogging.. jogging.. eating eating...

I read CC's new year post.. it just keeps me thinking.. what would happen between me and all of my friends.. in the years to come.. would we still be very close..? would we still keep contacting one another, play mahjong and eat bak kut teh together..? would we all still be single and complain bout being single..? well, I really don't know.. all I know is.. everyone seems to have different paths.. we used to need at least two tables when we go to a mamak stall.. but right now.. two table seems a little too much space for us.. ahha.. we couldn't even find enough people for paintball.. and this coming chinese new year seems like a much quieter one with more people going overseas... before chinese new year.. it just keeps me thinking.. whether one day.. we would all be individuals and never be categorised as groups again.. like the 'kalou' gang.. would it just disappear? or would it remain for a really long period of time.. ? well.. i don't know...

Anyways, hopefully the return of another friend from Malacca would brighten things up a little bit.. and hopefully the trip to pahang would workout.. I would really love to post up a new year's resolution post.. but I really can't think of anything now.. wait till I figured out.. what I want to achieve this year.. anyways.. enjoy ur holidays and keep having fun no matter where everyone is!

Worried like mad...

Gosh.. I just can't help but to keep thinking that results is coming out this thursday! I'm so worried on the outcome of my exams this time around. I really can't tell what's gonna happen.. Sometimes, I wished I had put in more effort to change things around, like doing my tutes regularly, going for every lecture and every tute, doing all the required readings and all the supplementary readings, going throught the I-lecture, going for all those extra tutorials and consultations, paying attention in lectures and tutes and not being a slacker. The fact is that I haven't done all those stuffs.. and every new year or semester that comes by.. I'll tell myself I'm gonna do it.... and over and over again.. I've failed in doing so.. shows how USELESS I am.... somehow time passes by so fast.. that I don't even have time to concentrate fully on my studies (this is just an excuse!!!)

I'm already having nightmares, I check my e-mail from time to time to see if Melbourne Uni sends me some e-mail to tell me to sit for some supplementary examination or something like that. I check the guidelines for marking law papers, turns out that they need 2 person out of a 3 person board to fail someone and if they could they hardly fail someone.. or at least that's what the guideline says.. anyways.. I really hope that's the truth! I really hope I don't fail anything at all.. esp CORP LAW and ACE.. gosh.... I don't want to go back for summer.. I'm enjoying a very simple life here.. don't want it to end just after 3 weeks.. I haven't played my mahjong.. I haven't gone on a trip... I haven't wore my liverpool jersey out to support them at a mamak stall or a pub or etc.. I haven't had proper seafood yet.. I haven't had proper japanese food yet.. I haven't done so many stuffs.. I don't want it to end right here...! PLEASE................... don't let it be.. =~~

Well, at this moment, I really can't do much anymore, but to keep praying and have faith.. whatever the outcome is, it's because of my own action.. whether it's good or it's bad.. so, let's just hope that everything turns out well.. I really can't wait anymore.. the anxiety is killing me! Good luck and all the best to everyone... hope everyone does well as well..

Another 'sueh' day

Looks like, bad luck won't go away just like that, I woke up today hoping that liverpool would win against portsmouth, guess what... they only managed a draw..! WHAT THE HECK! Well, the morning was smooth like usual, going to the market with my parents, buying some stuffs and after that went jogging and breakfast. That has become my usual routine nowadays. HOW INTERESTING!!

Well, my mom asked me to go for a haircut which I didn't really want to because my hair still has dye on it! I know if I cut it, she would nag at me if I dye it again! Eventually I went for a haircut and I bought a pack of LOREAL 3D dye or whatever u call it.. Excitedly, I wash my hair and put it all over my hair WITHOUT my shirt on.. So, after 30 minutes, I washed it off and guess what.. THE HAIR DYE ON MY FACE WOULDN'T GO OFF! I panicked.. and kept scrubbing and scrubbing my face and my body, but it just wouldn't go off.. I even use facial scrub to get the dye off.. DAMN, I was like.. if the dye wouldn't go off I'm FUCKED.. I WOULD LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT FOREVER!

So, I asked my mom what to do.. she told me to go back to the salon.. i checked wikipedia and realize that cigarette ashes do the same work as well, so I wanted to do that.. but my mom insisted that I go back the salon to wash it off.. she said it would be free! Ok fine.. I went back to the salon.. got them to SCRUB it off... it was not an easy task.. and that hairdresser told me to wash my hair as well.. and the total cost of my haircut was...
CUT = RM 15
DYE = RM 30
DYE REMOVAL = RM 10
HAIR WASH = RM 14
Total = RM 69!!!

Well, due to my stupidity... and I had to pay another 24 dollars extra and on top of that.. the dye on my hair is not really visible.. so that's a total of 54 dollars wasted.. including yesterday's parking fine.. thats a total of 84 dollars wasted.. man.. I'm a DUMBASS...!

The right motivation...

I've been back for more than one week, all I did was eat, sleep, watch tv series and jog in the morning. My life right now is quite monotonous, but the surprising thing is.. I'm not complaining. I haven't really hung out with my friends yet since they are really busy with their exam preparations for their ACCA finals. So yeah, no mahjong, not much mamak, no futsal, no watching movies, but it's not that bad. Managed to meet up with Su San today after like... 3 or 4 years..? But how lucky, the first time I met her and that's the first time I got a parking fine! Thanks to her laughing at me about the way I park my car, I ended up forgetting about buying a parking ticket! Gosh.. she's kinda sueh. All in all, it was good meeting up with her as the last time I met her was like in form 1..? Haha.. how time flies!

CC got her internship at PWC.. I haven't done anything yet so far.. I haven't typed out a resume, I haven't applied for any jobs, I haven't done anything related to my future. Everyone seems so pumped up to get a good job, to get ahead of others in the job market after graduating, but me, on the other hand, couldn't care less about it.. I really can't understand why. I wanted to work at PWC, but after hearing how those buggers torture those interns, I told myself, nah, it's too much for me to handle. After all, my sister quit after a month! Apparently, they squeeze every single cent that they pay u out of ur work! Well, I just think that it is important to enjoy ur holidays.. I don't wanna haf a sucky holiday and go back to melbourne complaining that I haven't rested enough. WHAT A GOOD REASON TO BE LAZY ! Actually I think I just don't have the right motivation to do anything! I'm lazy to go anywhere, I'm lazy to work, I'm lazy to socialize and I just want to sleep and sleep and SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP...

First of all, I'm not even sure if I need to go back to melbourne after my results, results will be out in about 9 days.... ISN'T THAT AMAZING..? IF I SCREW UP, I'M DEAD! THAT'S IT! THAT's THE END OF HOLIDAYS.. BYE BYE HOLIDAYS..! So, what the heck! Might as well enjoy my holidays first before deciding on anything major! Yeah, call me a lazy bum, call me ambitionless, call me whatever you want, but my opinion is, you gonna work for the rest of your life, why start so early..? HAHA..

Well, I guess that's it for now... gonna go bed, it's only 11.10 p.m. I know it's darn early, but that's how early I sleep nowadays as the latest I sleep is at 1 a.m! I need to get up in the morning to jog!

Back with the heat (part 2)

I'm back with the heat again.. it's really warm back in malaysia eventhough it has been raining everyday. The rain is just ridiculous. You just don't feel like getting out of your house as you don't know when u'll get caught in a ridiculously heavy rain that blinds ur vision while you are driving and get urself into an accident. Anyways, it's back to good food, good tv with astro and more football on tv... and when I say football I mean.. the round ball that u kick.... not the Australian footy..! I still don't get why they call it soccer in Australia.. ridiculous.. haha

Anyways, been eating a lot, a lot of comments about me, my weight and my hair. Surprisingly, my parents did not give me a hell of a scolding when they saw my hair. My mom just said I looked like a VCD seller. Actually, I kinda like my hair colour right now, I really wanna dye it again. Well, we'll see. Anyways, I am actually considering to get an internship, hopefully I'll be able to get it.

You know what? The prestige is no longer on screen in cinemas and in Australia they are just screening it. Shits, I thought I could watch the movie here, guess not, I just have to get a dvd instead. Well, at least I managed to watch Borat! Anyways, to everyone who's still having exams, good luck and to everyone who's jobless right now, join the gang!

3 down.. 1 to go..

My second year in Melbourne is coming to an end really soon, marking an end to a torturing period of exams and the start of holidays. Anyways, I already feel like I'm already in a holiday mood and I really can't wait to enjoy. Well, I would definitely loved to stay a lil' longer in Melbourne after exams, but my parents wants me back home as I stated in my last post, my sister's in Indon, and there's only two of them left at home. So, I'll be a good boy and accompany them for an additional week. So, yeah, I'll be going home on the 18th! I'm quite sure I'll miss out a lot, as everyone's holidays only starts after the 20th. *sighz*

It's been a hell of two years, full of things going on, full of joy, full of problems at the same time. However, I'm quite glad, my final month in IH was really a joyful one, thanks to the fact, I've grown and thanks to the fact that I have a bunch of great friends, it really made a difference of my stay in IH. I'm quite sure I'm gonna miss all the basketball, all the 'banging' (no naughty thoughts, it's a card game! haha), fingering (an action card in a card game called family business), bridge, poker, watching soccer together, talking for hours along the corridors, at the nudel bar, all the random dinner conversations at the dinning hall, etc. I really will miss all those times. However, we've all got to move on eventually ( this piece of advice is for Jeannie, cos she's feeling the blues, hehe), and I guess moving out of IH, will further test my friendship with my two new apartment mates, Damien and 24. It's gonna be a challenge.. but a new experience at the same time. It's gonna be sad leaving the big family in IH behind, after all, it's been like my 2nd home for this 2 years.

On the up side, Ken and CC are moving out as well, which makes it better! Haha, at least my fellow walking mate from classes will still walk along swanston street with me! Well, it's gonna be a new experience and I know it wouldn't be that bad. And to all of you guys at IH, you can still visit us anytime, except if my exams are the next day! HAHA.. well.. to sheanee and jo, maybe it's time you guys start getting a bowl to cook mi-g, as we won't be around to provide you with a bowl the next time, haha..

Hmmm.. my eyes kinda teary.. ahhahahahha... maybe I'm feeling the blues too.. anyways, everyone.. take care, and continue the IH spirit all right! Ohh, and I guess, I'll definitely miss Fang's way of cutting people, I just discovered he is really talented at literally cutting people! haha..

Well, this is the very first picture I'm gonna post on my blog.. ENJOY!

I'm paranoid....

Somehow, i think I'm a paranoid person.. just like my dad.. I often worry bout things like whether I took my ID wif me while I leave the exam hall or shit stuffs like leaving my laptop out in my room while I go on holidays. Everytime I take an exam, I'll be so paranoid that I think that I might fail, or maybe I am just not convinced with the way I answered the corp law paper today... Well, I hope I'm just paranoid and I hope I could pass that paper.. Well.. everything that is done is done.. can't change.. but to pray for the best of the results.. should start worrying bout ACE tomorrow.. I'm running out of energy.. Red bull isn't helping.. I'm mentally tired.. can't wait for a break.. can't wait for a good sleep.. can't wait to go home..! Well, gtg study, good luck for tomorrow's paper everyone!

1 down.. 2 to go...

Haha.. my first official post in lik 3 weeks plus.. I posted something last week.. but it did not appear..! Gosh.. I'm tired.. but come to think of it.. I'm done by the 15th... which is great news.. I might fly back on the 17th or 18th.. to accompany my parents as they are really bored at home now.. with my sister away at Indon. Wonder if the Mi-G there tastes better. haha..

I'm stressed but I don't know.. somehow I'm still slightly calm. Maybe the thought of getting everything over so soon.. makes me happy in a way... It's like having a marathon.. the nearer u are the more you want to finish it.. eventhough you are tired and slow. I wished I could be like some people who needs only like 1 or 2 hours of sleep before they go to their exams. I really realize that I can't do that.. I run out of mental strength really fast, does that show that I'm weak mentally..?

Well, 3 more papers to go. One on tomorrow, another one on thursday and I could take a small break before my final paper on the 15th. Then I'm officially a free man! Haha, well.. shouldn't be procrastinating too much, should be doing some work again! Wish me luck to survive this traumatic event of the year! haha.. and all the best to everyone's who's having exams!

Love and its imperfections...

Love is a probably an aspect of my life that I have not mentioned about or written about.. firstly, it's one of the aspects in my life that I can't handle that well and I have quite a number of heartbreaking experiences in this area... Recent happenings to my friends has put extra doubts on relationships.. Maybe I watched too much American Pie and my perception of relationships has changed quite a fair bit. Well, I guess relationships are like technology.. they evolve as time changes.. people want different things and need different things from a relationship.. A few decades back.. falling in love with one person.. means being with them forever (well.. at least that's my perception of people back then).

So what do I think couples seek out of relationship nowadays.. For guys.. the main thing would definitely be to able to have sex and to engage in whatsoever sexual intercouse.. relationship is like a licence to do so.. well.. for girls.. I would believe.. sex is important as well.. but I guess.. for them.. the thing that they seek out of a relationship is to have someone to be able to sacrifice for them and to have someone to be able to do something for them... Fair enough.. some of you would argue that.. friends with benefits would be able to do that as well... but think about it.. if you are in a relationship.. no one would bitch about u! Besides that, relationships nowadays are based much more around looks, money, and not primarily on qualities you see in the other person. OH.. convenience can also be a basis for a relationship! There are many more bull shits.. that could lead to a relationship.. well takes time to name them all!

Well, I would say.. relationships are really vague.. people who are in relationships.. sometimes they are not even sure whether they like the other person or they just want a companion because they are lonely. Some people are in relationships mainly because they want to have one. Long distance relationships is one thing that I never agreed and will never agree with.. it's just because.. I think physical presence in a relationship is very important instead of communicating with someone over the phone.. You can say whatever you want on the phone.. but when you are talking to one another face to face.. it's hard to lie.. it's hard for you to not tell the truth.. unless you are really cold blooded and you have no feelings for the other person at all.. LDRs just doesn't have the substance that is required in a healthy relationship (it might work for some people, I don't deny it). Well, I feel once you're separated from your partner, both of you just have your own lives and you just can't be monitoring their life over the phone, webcam or whatsoever no matter how great the technology is.

Well, maybe I haven't met someone that I would trully love and would trully sacrifice for.. at this stage, I would say I'm rather immature to be in a relationship.. but from my very own experience.. relationships work both ways.. it doesn't work if only one side is putting in the effort and the other side is just half-hearted. Yeah.. love is blind.. but you can't be blind forever and be the one giving in all the time.. Everyone seeks for the perfect one.. the perfect love.. the perfect relationship.. the perfect marriage... but how many actually gets it..? Think about it..

Well, it's rather a long post.. should end it here.. to all the people who are in relationships.. appreciate it! To those who don't have one.. you ain't that bad.. don't worry.. and to those who has problems with relationships and LDRs.. well.. good luck mate!

6 weeks left...

8.45 a.m in the morning, a rare sight for me, Kee Hong Tan to be at the dinning table, having breakfast and talking some random bull shit with some other people that I hardly talked to. People actually laugh when they see me, it's as though it's criminal for me to be down for breakfast! First thing they asked me was.. hey.. why so early..? I decided to wake up early today to have some bacons with eggs that I have been wanting to have for quite some time. I realize yesterday that I got 6 weeks left to do so and that means there is 5 more times for bacon and eggs excluding this breakfast.

If you were to ask me whether I enjoyed my IH life, I wouldn't know how to answer your question. I would say it was hell of a year last year when everything was new and everyone seemed so interesting. It's just like when you get something new, you tend to want to use it more, as it wears out, you seem to be keeping it aside more and more. Well, my IH life could have been better if I actually made an effort to know more people and to talk to more people. Partially it was my fault for my not so interesting year this year. Yeah, you can blame it on being a senior and tell others you just can't be bothered to repeat the whole process u did at o-week where you just ask some random bull shit to know some other people. Little did I know at o-week, that I would end up with a bunch of fijians, sri lankans, two unique indians, one sissy malaysian boy, and two blur than ever malaysian girls ( I didn't know most of them during o-week). It seems like it's been a while.. and along this journey.. a lot seemed to happenned.. some good, some bad, some just can't be explained by words. Sometimes, you wish u could go back to all the good moments and have a good laugh when everything was simple and care-free.. but all you could do now... is look at those pictures on your laptop.. and smile at ur silliness..

A part of me wants to leave IH.. a part of me doesn't want to... eventhough I'm not exceptionally sure that one thing that makes me not want to leave. Maybe it's the hassle...? Maybe I still love being in IH..? Maybe it's basketball..? I really don't know.. All I know is.. for the next 6 week or so.. I'll try to make the most of my IH life.. get closer to more people... try to make more friends before I leave and make full use of their facilities! hahahahhaha.. at least I can tell myself that I actually accomplished something...

Short note: Thanks to all those people who cared for me while I'm sick.. appreciate it.. I went to the doctor already.. he said i would cure in 1 or 2 months.. GOSH.. it's some post viral cough or some bull shit like that.. he didn't want to give me any medicine but on request he gave me an ASTHMA INHALER.. how cool is that..?

Never felt so sick in 2 years...

Seriously.. I hate being sick! It's as though your whole day is gloomy and all you ever did was trying to get some sleep. And even that, you can't do it properly! You seem to be coughing all the time, your nose seems to be running like a water tap... You get up a few times when you're sleeping just to drink water or puke.. but you still continue coughing! (I tried sleeping at 4 and I ended up sleeping at 8.30.. I couldn't sleep cause I needed to go to the toilet, I need a warm cup of water, I need to puke.. and I JUST WON'T STOP COUGHING.. DAMN!) You want to go for a run.. and when you do.. you realize.. you almost choke to death at the end of the run... You are hungry.. you missed brunch.. you want to go out and get some food.. you realize.. you're just too sick to get out of your room.. yet to go all the way to the city.. you realize you want to cook something.. there's nothing in the fridge.. yet again.... you can't be bothered to go to the city...

Gosh.. it's been a month since i started coughing.. i've never coughed for such a long time.. never felt so sick in like two years.. I got two assignments that are gonna due soon.. I got heaps of work to be done.. but I feel unwell.. and I really need to go to the doctor.. but you know.. you're just too sick.. to catch a tram and go see the doctor.. *whining*.. oh well.. i just hate seeing the doctor and eating medicine for some reason.. maybe had too much of them when I was young.. well.. the kee hong you see today.. isn't the same kee hong like 13 to 14 years back.. the kee hong back then.. was a weak.. and much thinner one.. oh well.. now that i've grown to be like a bull.. i'm still so weak.. SHITZZZZZZZZ.......

How I wish I was home.. at least someone could have drove me to the doctor.. or maybe some chinese medicine that my mom gets from the singse would have helped.. right now... I'm just stuck in my room.. waiting for the cough to cure by itself.. Seriously... it's not funny to fall sick.. when you're overseas.. You don't feel like eating sucky food when you're sick.. or you wished you had some porridge to eat.. (SHIT I COULD HAVE GOTTEN PORRIDGE DURING BRUNCH, COULDN'T WAKE UP!) and all SCHOLAREST serves you is shitty oilly food.. CURSE YOU.. SCHOLAREST!!! REALLY!!

Ok.. I'm just whining cos I'm sick.. wanna have a shower.. BYE!

On a plus side... Thanks to CC for the porridge and everyone else who offered me medicine and cared about my health.. thanks.. really appreciate it!

A poem to remember..

I stole this from a friend (su san) of mine's blog.. felt it was quite a good poem. Something I did in English literature in Form 5. I'll pay u for copyright fees when i get back... and remember to pay me for the click post... and actually raymond... I shall charge you for a walk to remember post.. haha..

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Insomnia...

It's 6 a.m in the morning... I can't really sleep.. but I really don't know why.. it's not that the floor is not comfortable.. it's not becoz i drank coffee.. I'm just awake.. and I still feel energetic.. I really don't know why..

It seems that the whole world is asleep and here I am.. watching everyone's world asleep.. it reminds me of that bsb song.. incomplete.. where one of its line says.. I'm awake while the world is half asleep.. I'm just too awake.. and I don't know what to do.. and I want to keep myself distracted.. so I'm posting this blog up.. I don't really know what to say at the moment.. cos I don't even know what I'm thinking.. I just feel numb.. I just feel soo empty.. and soo.... I don't know.. I can't describe how i feel.. a week of the holiday went by.. time passes by like a bullet train yet again.. leaving me behind..

I always feel that time and other people progresses without me... it's as though I'm this person.. who's always left behind the train.. chasing it.. hoping that one day he'll manage to hop onto it.. and get a ride on it.. I feel like.. other people are advancing way too fast.. leaving me behind.. is it because.. of my slow pace in doing things..? is it because I don't put in effort..? Is it because fate decides my life to be that way..?

I guess life is full of ups and downs.. but at the moment.. it looks like the sky is really grey.. it feels like the sun won't shine.. it feels like the star and moon won't show.. it feels like there's no tomorrow...

Well.. forgive me for my random analogies... I'm just too awake to be asleep.. haha... well to everyone's who's sleeping.. haf a nice sleep alright!

Thursday morning...

It seems that my daily routine is screwed up. Haha.. I sleep in the morning.. and I get up in the evening. I stay awake till like 7 a.m everyday... just doing random stuffs. What a holiday I would say.. it's a holiday that's exactly like my normal uni days! Guess...I've been having quite a holiday for myself for this past 2 years. I hardly do anything during uni days and only start studying on SWOT vac. Gosh.. at this rate I'm going.. I wonder where I'll end up this semester.

I finally let it out.. finally told what's on my mind.. I'm not exactly sure whether it helped the situation or it'll improve the situation.. All I know is.. at least.. I a part of those things bothering me for the past 3 or 4 days has subdued. Well, what's next? I really don't know.. Well, lets just hope I don't destroy the holiday mood for others. I mean.. after all it's holidays.. and everyone just wants to have fun.. Maybe I went over my usual limit, I hardly let it all out.. I hardly say anything.. but sometimes.. when it's all filled up... and you need space to store more stuffs.. you just have to find that space..

It really makes me think sometimes.. what's the most important personality one could really need to be a person loved by others. Is it to be caring..? Is it to be funny? or is it to just have loads of money so that you can buy others meals all the time..? Is it all about being cool, fun and accepted by others? I really can't tell.. but I guess the most important thing is.. to be yourself... be real.. then it doesn't really matter what other's think of you. After all, opinions are really subjective. Yeah, I know.. sometimes I tend to forget that and try to search for an identity for myself.

Sometimes you wish, you could understand what other's are thinking.. but it's not that easy especially when everyone has different thoughts and everyone is unique. You wish you know, what's up with someone who's not smiling at all.. you wish to know.. what's up with that person who does not seem to talk to you like how they used to.. but the fact is.. it's kinda impossible to do so.. there are a million reasons someone can be upset.. they can be upset with you or other reasons..

I understand now.. you play different roles in other's life.. sometimes your role is more important.. sometimes another person's role is more important.. as much as we hope for equality in life.. it doesn't really occur. As much as ppl don't say it out.. they know in their hearts.. that they already have a decision or preference when they were given the options.. it's just how to make the decision look good.. and satisfy everyone.. but yet again.. in that process.. you can never avoid.. hurting someone and make everyone satisfied.. well.. that's life.. people have preferences and I guess I can't blame them for their preference..

Well, I just have a lot to questions, doubts, etc... but I don't think I know how to type it out in words.. Haha.. anyways... good morning and enjoy your day..!

another 6 a.m post

It seems like my holidays revolves around sleeping late, wasting time and watching movies. I've basically watched like 8 movies in the space of two days. Well, at least movies keep me distracted and make my holidays slightly more meaningful than just wasting time. Yet another 6 a.m, yet I still feel really awake and I don't know whether I should try to sleep.. My sleeping time is so screwed up right now..! Arghhh...

I watched a really random movie today.. called 'American Beauty.' I really did not understand what the movie is all about. It's just a random family with lots of problems and I don't even know where the climax was.. the story was narrated by a guy who got shot on the head...! I mean.. it's quite ridiculous.. but yet again.. it's only a movie. Well, even though it was quite random.. it was unique in a way and it had a couple of lessons to be learnt from there.. like.. money can't buy happiness..? or maybe... don't cheat on your husband..? hmmm.. really can't tell.. haha

Movies sometimes could really make you believe that you could be a hero.. or maybe you could save the day or you'll get this hot chick at the end of the day and everything just goes smoothly for you. Movies usually only portrays the ideal world that we could imagine and how often does the hero in a movie die..? Well.. it's always.. the bad guys die and the good guys prevail.. or it's always a happy ending where the guy gets the girl he likes and lead a happy life.. does life always end up this way..? Guess not.. the world we live in... has much more complexity with harsh reality and truth..

People told me to believe in myself.. to have more self-confidence and to be more optimistic. Sometimes, you really want to.. it's just that maybe the environment doesn't allow you to do so.. or maybe you just can't find the right motivation don't put in enough effort. Everyone wants to make a difference, everyone wants a perfect personality, perfect partner, but yet again.. how many people actually succeed..? It annoys you sometimes when your weaknesses overshadow your strengths. Well, I guess.. life was never meant to be fair.. from the day you were born till the day you die.. there will always be imbalance.. but sometimes it's just sickening.. to fall over and over again.. and you find it hard to get up.. the fact is that.. reality is harsh.. and I guess I should learn to accept reality and to accept failure.. after all I'm no saint.. or hero..

A walk to remember..

It's 5 a.m in the morning.. I still can't sleep... I really don't know why am I still awake.. I really don't know why I am here.. right in front of the laptop.. typing this post.. guess I really have a lot to say.. but I just don't know how.. so I have to type it all out.. I really wish I could just say anything I want.. anything I feel and anything at all without having to face the consequences.. In the ideal world.. it would have been that, but not in the world that we live in. Once u made an embarassing mistake, it will haunt you forever and you'll never repeat the same old mistake again! It sucks when you have something to say.. but you just don't want to say it because you know.. it will only make the situation worse for yourself.. It sucks when you're treated differently from others.. Sometimes I hope that human functions as a computer.. u only choose the data that you want to remain.. and those that you don't want to.. you could delete them.. But in other ways.. humans are really like computers.. just like humans.. computers don't function well.. when there is too much data in the system and the memory space is low.. that's when you get 'crashes'. I guess I'm having a system crash now.. haha..

Well.....all ramblings said and done.. back to what I really want to talk about. I watched the movie.. a walk to remember today.. When it was first released in the cinemas and I saw Mandy Moore's name and Shane's name on the casting.. I was like yeah.. it's gonna be a bad movie.. after all that guy is from westlife.. haha.. it turns out that the Shane that acted in the movie wasn't that Shane from westlife.. haha.. Anyways.. it was quite remarkable for a college or high school kid to be able to do so much for his girlfriend.. I'm not sure whether it was based on a true story.. but it seems quite impossible to be true. Well, the story line was very much like the korean series 'Autumn In my Heart.' It was very different compared to other high school or college chick flicks.. haha.. I almost wept when that guy hugged his dad and cried... but I think I'm one person who would hardly cry.. haha.. guess I'm just emotionless.. It was quite a good storyline.. very touching to see how much both of them loves one another.. does that really happen anymore..? haha.. especially at high school or college.. doesn't seem like it..but man.. I wish I will never have to part with my loved one like that..

Oh well.. I'm just bored and I can't sleep....... Haha.. so decided to type out some bull shit.. anyways.. signing off.. have a great holiday everyone..

6 a.m walk/run in princess park

I haven't slept the entire night but I still feel awake. It was 5.45 a.m, I asked my friend on msn.. whether I should go for a run.. he told me, "Why not? If I was in Melbourne I would definitely do that." So, I set off on my little adventure to try running in princess park at 6 a.m in the morning. It was really windy, I started off running really fast.. I really wanna run off all my frustration, all my worries and everything that's I've kept inside me for so long... I wanna run it all away.. I told myself... I wanna run as fast as I could.. even the wind wouldn't stop me. Well.. eventually.. I was too tired.. I couldn't find that motivation that I always found when I ran in Princess Park.. it was just too windy.. As I ran.. I realize.. I've been always going against the wind.. trying to change things that's beyond my control and trying to force my way through.. I understand now.. there's no point to run against the wind.. it slows u down.. it tires you.. It tires you when you realize.. no matter how hard you try.. how fast you run.. you'll never run faster than others.. It tires you when people look at the fact.. you can't run faster than others.. it tires you.. when you're constantly compared with others who are better than you..

I decided to sit down at the railing... the wind blew gently at my face.. it felt so comfortable for one moment.. it felt so relaxing.. It was as if.. it told me to just stop running.. and just relax and look around you.. there's more than just completing that lap around the park. It's not how fast you run.. it's about how much you enjoy it. The swing caught my attention next.. I sat on it.. swinging myself a little bit.. it reminded me of my young days.. when everything was carefree and taken care of. I always wondered.. why can't I go back to those days..? But deep inside, I know.. I'm turning twenty soon.. I should be responsible for all my actions. I know I can't return to happy moments.. just as much as other people wants to.. I only have one option.. move forward.. yeah.. and so I did that.. and walked all my way back to IH.. was a bit long.. but quite relaxing..

I'm not sure if anyone even understands this post.. but it's just what I'm thinking at the moment.. haha... I realize.. I've been abusing my blog.. posting my anger and frustration on it.. well.. I'll see.. if this would change over the week.. well.. gonna go shoot some hoops and try to get to bed after this.. adios..

"Why can't you be like him?"

Something really bothered me today.. I really don't know what is it, but I was jus really bothered. I'm really frustrated.. but I don't know what is the main thing that causes my frustration. I am not happy but I don't know what I am not happy about. I wanna improve but I don't know what I want to improve about.... I wanna break free.... but I don't know what I wanna breakfree from.. It's just one of those days that aren't going well and aren't going my way. It's hard to understand why because it's already the start of the holidays, yet I feel more frustration coming my way.

In my life, I always hated comparison. I hate it when my parents compare me with my other siblings. I hate it when they compare me with my cousins. When I was young I used to ask myself, why do I have to be like them? Why do I have to change..? It's not that I'm taking drugs or I'm a gangster.. I thought to myself.. they should be glad with the way I am.. after all I was just rebellious, nothing more than that.

Today, something really struck me.. one of my friend sorta asked me unintentionally.. he asked me.. "Why can't you be caring like him?" (I shall not disclose their names). I thought to myself.. for a very long time.. I didn't know what to reply him.. I thought and thought.. and I finally answered him.. "I am Kee Hong, he is himself, I'm sorry but I can't be like him." But in fact, sometimes, I wish I could be different.. not in every aspect, but some aspect. There a lot of things I would like to change.. but I know it's impossible to do so. Everyone says.. if there is a will there's a way.. does that always apply..? Sometimes. others try three times harder than others.. but in the end.. they don't get what they want.. sometimes people even sacrifice their lives to stand for what they believe in.. but.. what's the point?

Gosh....... just one of those days................... adiossssssssss................................. nitezzz....

Week 8...

Can't believe it.. today is the start of week 8, after the two week holidays at the end of this week will mean that I have another month to finals. Time FLIES.. maybe time ROCKETS i think. Arghhh.. I got a freaking 20% mid-sem tomorrow, and here am I slacking my ass off, cos I really don't wanna do any work. REALLY REALLY hate that subject, LECTURER's DARN BORING!!!!!!!!

I just realized something... my name means angry in so many languages.. in HOKKIEN.. it means (ki hong = getting angry), if you translate it from hokkien to Malay.. it would mean 'Naik Angin' which means getting angry as well. Boy, I think I am an angry kid.. have to admit it. Got pissed off over some unfriendly Australians over the weekend, and I am really really think those people are just being racist or whatever. Hey, we're paying so much more as an international student, so at least appreciate us for sponsoring part of your education. It's not like we came here to take political advantage over you guys!

Ohhh...... is today september 11...??????? What an important date..! How could I have forgotten this date..? This is when the WTC came collapsing down.. killing thousands of people 5 years ago..! HAHAHAHHAHHA.. just kidding.. well.. today our 'not so young anymore' friend, sheanee aka blurblur finally turned 19! YOU ARE OLD.. NO LONGER 18!!! HAHA.. anyways.. hope you have a great time and may you have a great year ahead of you!

Well.. I gtg.. slacking so much is not gonna get me good grades!