Happy Birthday Raymond.. if you are seeing this..

Yeap..today is the birthday of one of my fellow hokkien speaking mates in Melbourne. He's turning 21.. Man.. he's OLD..! Haha.. Happy birthday man! Hope u have a great time and enjoy yourself as much as possible before going to UK..!

Anyways, finally the chess and cards thing was over.. finally got some weight off my shoulder.. It was never really a big problem.. just that.. i was obliged to make it look like a problem..? guess that's the way i take it.. Thanks to damien, 24, rahul, sheanee, jo, jeannie, sugath, aaron, heng lin, vong, christopher cuyekeng and ermm.. goldfinch..? dale, bowen and ee lin.. did i left anyone out..? appreciate it a lot.. it was quite an effort to go there and play for nothing.. hmmm.. anyways.. that event was not as serious as it seemed.. I had to make it look serious.. maybe I'm just not good at handling pressure.. oh yeah.. did I mention.. I hate making announcements..? I guess.. I'm really not up for it.. maybe someone else will do a better job.. I don't know.. I shall decide soon..

Things seem to improve slightly.. I just need time I guess.. plenty of time to get over my personal issues.. It's been there for quite sometime.. just that recently.. it started to affect me a little more.. Yeap.. sorry for my last post, but I really needed someone to talk to on Friday, really couldn't find one.. so I was quite upset.. anyways, thanks for being concerned on the next day. I was surprised that quite a few of you had been reading my blog.. thanks.. AND thanks to parky who agreed to coach the theatre sports team! haha.. that will be of great help.. it was quite amazing.. that you actually read my blog! hope you are not afraid of me after the things i post.. it is quite emotional...guess blogging is the only place I can say whatever I want.. haha.. Yeap.. blogging did help me in a way.. It has become a place where I can let my emotions be known! I'm not good in showing my emotions in real life.. so yeah.. blogging is the way to show your emotions indirectly!

ALRIGHT! I'm off for dinner and then to Ray's party.. have fun all of you!

Searching..

After recent times, I realize that I really don't like the feeling of being alone, but at the same time, I need some time off to clear my mind. My recent actions has made me look like an anti-social. I don't know why I need a lot of rest, at the same time I'm hoping that someone would pop up at my door for a little chat with me. Let it be anything at all, from gossips to anything at all. Loneliness does kick in sometimes, especially when everyone is busy with their stuffs and all that. I felt left out at recent times. I feel like i don't belong anywhere...

I remember my tuition teacher used to tell us that teenagers tend to lose themselves in search of an identity. Am I that teenager who's losing himself..? Am I searching for an identity..? I really don't know.. u tell me.. It seems that my emotional rollercoaster is spinning.. ever faster.. it changes within seconds... what am I upset about..? what do I not like..? I really can't tell as well.. I just feel upset.. that's it.. weird eh..?

I was thinking.. if i would relate myself to a character in a hollywood film, I would say that I'm similar to analkin skywalker or darth vader. I have a lot of fear... If i were to live in a jedi world, I think i'll be him.. ok.. probably i'm not as good looking as he is.. i'm saying character wise... I fear a lot.. even small stuffs... i'm not evil.. just have a lot of fear.. Well, I guess.. if u give me a light sabre... i might go kill someone.. (just kidding!)

Anyways, hopefully things improve! fingers crossed..

Friday night.. all alone

After all that progress I had, suddenly i found that it was in the middle of nowhere. It's so hard to get the team together. Everytime i get down for dinner, I can't sit quietly and eat my meal, I have to go up to them one by one to tell them that we're gonna have practice right after dinner. That's why I just hate to get down for dinner! The team was a shambles today.. it seemed nowhere near a theatre sports team.. if they were to do that in the competition.. I don't know how much embarassment we'll get.

Sometimes, you really feel that you can't make it on your own and you need your friends there to support you, but.. when I really needed them.. they were nowhere to be found... Well, maybe I have not communicated with them well enough.. or maybe they are just too busy with their own stuffs.. So I guess, I'm pretty much on my own.. for the rest of this journey.. at least for now..

I really can't remember.. the last time.. I can get everything out of my head and actually relax.. I have so much on my mind sometimes.. I feel like my brain is jammed... My energy seems to drain so fast.. and I feel tired all the time.. I don't know how long I can go on like this.. maybe it's not as bad as it seem.. just that.. my emotions make matters worse.. I don't know what I could do.. I'm just lost at the moment.. haha.. do u call that.. a teenage turning to an adult life crisis..? You don't know what you're up to.. you really don't know who's on your side.. and you are JUST LOST..

I really hope for things to improve quickly.. I pray for a miracle to happen.. I hope someone could come along the way and pick me up from the ground.. help me build my confidence again.. Guess all this miracles, they hardly happen to me.. There's no one I could turn to to relate my problems.. I find it so hard.. keeping it all to myself.. it feels like a volcano.. that is gonna erupt really soon.. or maybe I feel like a pressure cooker.. with too much pressure.. that is going to explode.. I just feel that no one understands me at the moment.. Sorry for the negativity yet again.. but that's just the way I am.. can't change...

Progress..

Finally there was some progress on theatre sports. I think lady luck must be somewhere out there smilling on me. I managed to get good additions to the team. Finally, it did look like a theatre sport team! I'm really not expecting this young(inexperienced) team to win anything, as long as they get the job done.. i'll be really glad. However, you wouldn't know.. miracles do happen.. so i wouldn't write them off! Yeah.. i guess sometimes.. u just can't be too negative.. that's the problem with me.. i always doubt myself even before i try something out.. I've tried millions of ways to put some self-confidence into myself.. but it never seem to work.. have i lost it all..? have i lose what i used to be..? I really can't explain what happenned to me.. this few years had passed by so fast.. that it seemed like a mystery to me.. What actually changed me..? Really can't tell.. At the end of the day, I'll just have to continue moving forward and never look back.. what's done is done.. there's nothing I could do to change things in the past..

Sometimes it really strikes me.. if one day i were to lose everything.. who are the people who will be by my side..? still believing in me.. and giving me support to go on..? I really can't tell.. I shall post it up.. when the day comes.. anyways.. just have a good thought bout it.. NITEZZ!

Sometimes.... if i could...

Sometimes... u just don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning.. u just want to continue sleeping and ignore what is going on outside. You know that your day is gonna suck no matter how positive u take it. U know that the bad stuffs just won't stop coming to you. Besides that, u know there is nothing u can do to change this situation. U just have to put your face right at it and get smacked! That's how shitty I feel right now. Nothing to look forward to.. and sometimes when u really need someone to talk to... u find that.. there's no one to talk to.. haha.. how sucky can things be sometimes..? Well, I can't do much.. but to take my day as positively as possible, starting off my day with 5ive's song.. KEEP ON MOVIN'... "get on up, when you're down, baby take a good look around, I know it's not much, but it's okay, keep on movin' on anyway!"

If I could, I just want to walk away from all these problems and go somewhere else.... but where can i go to..? another shit hole..? When I left for melbourne, i thought things would start to look good for me in a new environment.. but the path that i walk on seems to narrow down with dimmer lights.. maybe i need a change of environment every now and then..? maybe i'm just weak.. not being able to go thru every obstacle or challenge that is in front of me.. but.. hey.. i'm an ordinary person with simple needs... all i want is a smooth ride in life.. well.. guess that's what everyone wants.. but few of them could actually get it.. i talked to this good friend of mine.. who's on the same boat.. and understands the way i feel... i felt much better.. but he's much luckier, he has the opportunity toleave everything behind.. start everything anew.. somewhere else.. but guess i just don't have time for it.. i'm stuck at melbourne for at least another one year and a half.. i really don't see changes.. hopefully there's a silver lining behind every dark cloud.. at the end of the day, that's the way life is.. especially when you don't know what u really want.. u just have to see it through.. hoping for something good to finally arrive... HAHA.. sorry for all the negativity.... hope to post something happier as the day goes by.. but guess no ones reading.. so it's ok.. it's for my own viewing!

Rely on YOURSELF

Things just seems to be getting from bad to worse.. since the last day of my trip. It started of with the sydney domestic airport being closed at night. THAT WAS RIDICULOUS... AN AIRPORT.. CLOSED..? Next, we thought we could spend our night at the 24 hour krispy kreme, but after one km of walking, we realized it was only 24 hours drive thru. Well, that's the worst that could happen to us, we thought. GUESS WHAT's NEXT..? THEY WOULDN'T LET US BUY KRISPY KREMEs BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE A CAR.. MY GOD.. THAT IS PURE STUPIDNESS!!!!!! Well, we were all stranded outside krispy kreme near the airport for about 3 hours plus in the cold. We had to sleep outside the shop like those homeless people and the worst part was.. the girls needed to go the toilet! For the first time, I understand how the homeless people felt.. abandoned and cold. So, the next time when u see some one at the roadside.. remember to symphatize them eventhough you are not going to give them any money.

I was so relieved when i finally got back at IH yesterday. I was really tired and slept for the entire afternoon till 5 p.m. Everything seems peaceful and nice. But I guess when something bad happens to you, it just keeps coming. I woke up today and checked my mailbox. I realized that there was another invoice from IH.. asking me to pay up when i already paid like weeks ago. They even charged me a late payment fee. So, I called up the bank and ask the bank what went wrong. Apparently there was a bank error and they are not sure where the money went. So, they lodged a report with the bank dispute team... and the operator told me that it will take up to 45 days to solve my problem, but he thinks that my issue can be resolved within a week and a half. It's kinda stupid.. what if IH kicks me out within that time frame..? Where will i have to stay..? However, that guy told me that he's gonna tell the uni ppl that I actually paid and that it was a bank error (HOPEFULLY!)

Alright, that seems like a bad start to my day. I thought well.. maybe theatre sports will not be that bad.. as I will be able to rely on RB to help me out. Well, doesn't seem like it... he backed out when i called him.. he shouted at me, telling me indirectly that it's my job.. and why should he do it..? Well, I might have made an error with the way i handle stuffs.. I admit it.. but, isn't he irresponsible.. to just back out four days before the competition..? THANK GOD.. the competition is now postponed till may 12th.. i was darn relieved.. the thing I don't understand is... WHY DID HE BITCHED ABOUT ME IN FRONT OF SOMEONE ELSE..? TELL IT STRAIGHT TO MY FACE... ! I'll accept any shit that u say! At the end of the day.. the moral of the story is : RELY ON YOURSELF....... and you must be cautious with whatever you say or do.. or someone might just pull u down

How do you lose everything in a day..?

I still feel like i'm talking to myself.. damn.. blogging isn't that fun... but yeah.. i have heaps of time..i'm bored, and i can't be bothered to keep a diary.. anyways.. this is like my second post.. in a time frame of 3 hours..? explains.. how lifeless i am.. i don't know who's reading my blog yet.. i don't have that chatter box thingy.. well.. i guess.. i'll be one of the only few ppl visiting this blog.. AT LEAST I HAVE A BLOG.. that's the whole point..anyways, after watching how to lose a guy in 10 days.. i actually thought to myself.. is it possible.. to lose everything u ever own in a day..? how would it feel if u suddenly just wake up one morning.. and u lost everything u ever own..? surely ain't a good feeling huh..? hmmm.. probably i'm too free.. and i have too much time to think.. and for you guys who know that i shower for a long time.. i don't actually shower that long.. i usually think in the shower.. reflecting on what i did for the day or what i'm going to do for the day (if i shower in the morning).. anyways.. shower is a cool place to think.. try it.. TRUST ME! anywayzz.. i'm off packing my room.. it's stupid.. to pack your room.. even if you know that no one's gonna stay in your room.. explains bout the admin staff in IH.... S..T..U..P..I..D people!

The story so far

Never knew why I actually started this blog. A good friend of mine actually told me to because I got a lot to say but just do not know who to say it to sometimes. I think i'm doing this cos' i'm bored.. dead bored. Well, here we go.... my blog.... For introduction.. well i'm a 19 year old with not much ambition or goals. Currently studying in university of melbourne.... blablabla. Well, if u are visiting my blog.. means u know me.. n u probably know all this stuffs about me so we can skip the introduction bit. Hmmm.. wat else can I say..? I'm going to sydney tomorrow (i actually posted this on saturday.. i don't know how to change the date) for my easter break.. hope is really interesting.. n fun! Well.. at least i can get FRESH krispy kreme's that u GUYS can't get (losers!,jk).... I'm like talking to myself.. this is quite stupid.. anywayz.. checking out.. have fun for easter.. for anyone who happens to come across my blog... eventhough cc was the only one i told about this blog..