words from a loser...

Sometimes words from others really bothers me, but I think I've learnt to listen only to what i want and reject whatever that I refuse to. Some people say pointless remarks about you to bring you down. You don't understand why they do it, but they just seem to do it all the time. Yeah, I admit I've done it to others before, but not to the extend that I don't know when to talk and when not to not talk.
I know you think I'm a loser, for not being able to do certain things. If it makes you happy, I admit, I'm a loser. So..? Does it make any difference to you? I am what I am.. I don't think it affects you...

Sometimes you want to change, sometimes you wanna be different, but people seems reluctant to let you do so, they seem reluctant to let you change for their own benefits. It is as if, I have to be the way that they like to entertain them or amuse them. I am low in self-confidence and believe, but I don't think that should be the reason for someone to step over my head and bring me down over and over again. I think it's unfair for someone to take advantage of others when they know they're weak or when they know they're weaknesses. Maybe you could do that, just not all the time.

I know I might be a good for nothing fool, but at least, have a little respect for who I am. I am not your floor mat, that you can step on everyday or a toilet bowl that you can sit on everyday. If you think I'm gonna let you do that, you're wrong.. really wrong.

Anyways, I believe it happenned for a reason, a reason for me to believe that I shouldn't just sit and wait for others to take advantage of my weaknesses. It gives me a reason to get back to my old self, one which has much more confidence. I know it's hard to prove to others what I am, but at the end of the day, I think it's more important for me to prove to myself that I'm worth something.

All I can say is, you can judge me however you want, you can bring me down all you want, but I just want to let you know that when you are down and you are in need of some one to help you, I won't be there, I'll just sit and laugh at you (sorry for being harsh, but that's how you treated me).

my unaswered questions..

After reading CC's blog, I realized one thing. I've been asking myself too many questions even before I managed to answer them. I realized I've been worrying about certain stuffs that I can't even predict will happen. I realized I lack the courage or the will to find the answers to my questions and that I've been waiting all this while for my questions to be answered by itself. I really never thought of finding an answer or solution to the problems. I guess I tried, but not hard enough.

Yesterday was not a bad day, went to the casino with damien and 24 but lost quite a fair bit there. ShHHHhhhh! Do not tell anyone about it! Well, I didn't felt that bad after losing, I guess I was doing something that I like, that is why I didn't really feel that bad. Yeah, I did lose, I learnt my lesson, that it's quite impossible to beat the roullette system there. But, important thing is that I had fun. I've been doing all the stuffs that I really want yesterday, watching Happy Gilmore, having a good laugh, went to starbucks and sat down there and study. And I watched episode 44 of slam dunk which was quite inspiring I guess. I don't know whether it was because of the song or the actions. But, it seem to be rather inspiring. If I could always show that never say die attitude, and find answers to my questions and problems. I guess I'll be a much better person...

The common thing..

The thing that I realize about everyone including me is that no one really cares about small issues until a big problem eventually happens. Sometimes, we know that there is a problem just that we choose to ignore it or it may seem to be insignificant at that time. I thought all the little problems seemed so insignificant to me at the start, so I chose to ignore them or most of them or at least I kept them to myself. As time passes by, the small problems which seems so small at that time are collectively large and is really a big problem collectively. However, at the same time when u break it down to its parts it just seemed like a 1+1 mathematics question. Yeah, i think it's better to solve a 1+1 question rather than solving something that is like x^(infinity) or something like that. Well, guess that's just what we are and what we always do, really can't change the situation, can we..?

The night was long for me, a lot ran in my mind. At the end of the day, I asked myself the reason i thought for so long. Is it really that important..? There are more important things right now.. why not focus on that first and let all the rest fall in place by itself..? Am I really someone who could make a change in the situation for others..? I think certain things or most things will make do without me being there.. I guess. Am I really a good friend or an individual? What is it that I want..? The questions just goes on and on and on. I'll never find an answer to them.. so why not just ignore them..? All I can do now, is let time prove everything..

Happy Belated Birthday CC! Hope you had a good one...!

well, cc you requested for a shout out, there you got it. Happy birthday to you, you are born in the zoo with the monkey and piggies, happy birthday to CC! Anyways, yeah.. hope u had a great birthday and hope u are enjoying yourself with that foot spa of yours. The foot spa is really relaxing.. it's a great device to use while you are studying! feel like getting one.. but no money!

Anyways, a lot's been going on, a lot's been happening. Can't explain, can't tell why. Haha, if there was a weather forecast about my thoughts and emotions it will fluctuate from -40 degrees celsius to 43 degrees celsius..? tht's like summer and extreme winter on a day! well, i think that sums it all up about myself! I'm drifting away into the own little world of mine day by day where i'm the only person who actually exists ----> KH's LIL WORLD!!

Sometimes I feel, reputation is very important. If you've got a good reputation people will believe whatever you say regardless whether is right or wrong. They have the power to manipulate and convince others I guess. Guess.. I don't really have that convincing power. Maybe I'm a just a little man with little ambition and little self-confidence. If I was a solider, I guess I'll lose the war even before it actually started, haha! Guess that's why sometimes I think I'm quite insignificant when it comes to certain things. I can't change people's view of me, I just have to prove them wrong sometimes, but I guess at the moment, I've really got nothing to prove myself.

At the end of the day, what matters the most is for you to believe in yourself.. because if you lose believe in yourself.. you sort of like lose everything.

just a quick update...

Hmmm.. the weekend was not that bad.. watched mission impossible 3.. did a fair bit of my only assignment left.. and still NOT STUDYING.. i got a feeling i'm screwed... haha.. but I'm still not doing anything bout it.. can't believe i'm still so calmed. We went to crown casino on randy's birthday for buffet, and I had a lot of food.. well not as much as the two 'girls', blur blur n jo(sometimes, I really wonder whether I should categorise them as girls especially when it comes to eating). Haha, I think they had more than most of the guys who went for the buffet. MONSTERS! Ohh.. i won my first twenty bucks in the casino! But I guess.. winning is not that good.. it makes u want to go back again.. hmmm.. maybe I shall stop! Ohh.. and on the bright side, IH won public speaking in the inter-collegiate public speaking with an asian speaker..? SURPRISED HUH..?

Well, another month to go, and i'll be back in Malaysia on june 24th! Things seemed to improve slightly, hopefully it builds on from here and hope my emotional rollercoaster slows down a bit. Been watching a lot of movies especially comedies to cheer myself up.. I talked to one of my friend the other day and realize that we have the same problem : emptiness. Sometimes, you just feel empty.. hmmmm.. like a glass without water..? well, I guess everyone feels empty at times and not only me. Probably I feel it more than others lately. I don't know why.... shall find out.. soon!

Anyways, hope everyone else continue to have fun and study hard at the same time!

I'm an idiot!

Haha.. in my last post.. i made an error by saying i'm going back on 23rd of November when I'm actually going back on the 23rd or 24th of June and I kept telling all my friends that I'm going back on the 24th of November. My friends were quite surprised to hear me saying that I'm only going back on November. Ju-Lear asked me, aren't you going back in June..? I said yeah.. i'm going back in June.. then she asked me to look at my personal message on msn and I actually typed in 24th November! However, I was quite sure I booked my flight on 24th of June. I even laughed at Damien because I got a flight on 24th June and I called the ticket centre later than him. I told him that the stupid guy who picked up my call gave me preference because I called in later..? haha.. doesn't make sense at all. So, he called the ticket center again and they told him that he was still on the waiting list for the flight on 24th of June. I was quite shocked.. because I just called like 5 minutes ago and they gave me a flight on 24th June!?

Well, while we were having supper, I told everyone how stupid I am by telling everyone on msn that I was going back on november, and blur blur came up to me and told me that I actually said that I was going back on November instead of June on my blog. Oh well, i told myself.. it was just a typo, but I was getting worried that I actually booked my flight back on november and decided I should call the ticket center to double check. And to my horror, this afternoon, when I called the ticket center, I actually booked my flight on 24th of November! hahahhaha.. that's crazy! I'm such an idiot.. gosh..! can't believe it.. thank god I double checked it, if not, I'll be waiting at the airport on 24th of June.. and waving bye to the airplane.. haha.. anwyays... I've changed it now.. I'm going back on the 23rd of June.. I wonder what's on my mind at times..!? hmmm.......

Timeout

Wow... how things change.. a month ago.. i was worried about theatre sports.. and suddenly it's postponed till next semester....! that's great news for me.. my last responsibility will be public speaking on saturday.. at least for this semester.. finally.. it's all almost over.. i'll be going back to Klang on june 23rd.. I'm sure it's gonna be good to meet my friends back there and play a lil' mahjong.. a lil' poker and have a chat till like 5 in the morning.. watching the World Cup.. yeah... i think it's a break tht i need.. to sort out my stuffs.. wif my family there.. not to mention.. my lovely nephew..! ahha.. i wonder how much he has changed!

Well.. klangnites.... beware.. i'll be back soon..

am I that perfect..?

Sometimes it really strikes me that I'm judging others too much. After I judge some one, I actually think to myself whether am I really that perfect..? Am I supposed to judge some one else..? I feel guilty after I judged some one else, but at that point when i was making the judgement and I actually say it out.. I wasn't thinking about myself.. what would others think of me..? how would they judge me..? I really need to know.. what sort of person others think I am... I really need to..At the moment, I think I should stop making judgements about others.. I think it's really unfair for the person I judge.. because they were not given a chance to explain themselves.. maybe they had a reason..? maybe they are not really that mean..? maybe I'm expecting too much..? maybe i'm just incomplete..?

I really hope I could turn the clock around.. and stop it at times when it's much happier.. when things are much simpler.. and what u do is just have fun..? where are those fun-filled days without worries..? are they gone.. gone forever..? am I going to stuck at this situation in the rest of my life..? am I going to move on and have better days..? my life is just filled with questions that are unanswered at that moment.. WHO CAN HELP ME ANSWER SOME OF THEM..? I'm just like a lost kid.. trying to find his way back home.. to some where he actually belongs.. some where he'll feel comfortable.. some where he could seek for refuge and protection.. or at least some where he could just have fun with his friends.. and nothing else!

I don't know how long it'll take me.. to finally get to where I want.. but I believe.. someday.. some how... I think I'll make it..

I would really like to apologise to those people that I've judged before (eventhough u don't know who u are).. I'm really sorry... because I know..at the end of the day.. I'm not that perfect as well...

Just another manic monday...and hectic tuesday

This is a summary of monday and tuesday:

I guess I got up at the wrong side of bed today, i feel so tired even after i slept for 8 hours and I'm having a headache.. I think I need more sleep! haha.. well I wasn't deep in sleep though, had a couple of nightmares... not really nightmares.. but still dreams that are quite bad! How I wish every monday was either a Saturday or Sunday..? Exams are around the corner... pressure is on.. the things on my mind.. keeps building again... after the weekend.. a lot too plan.. a lot to think for.. Guess what..? Later on monday, I was trapped in the elevator in Scheps with two other girls for half an hour. That was like my first time trapped in an elevator. And my 'GREAT' and 'WONDERFUL' friends.. came all the way to laugh at me inside the elevator. HOW COOL!? I was not that nervous, but still they should have at least sing a song for me.. or entertain me outside the elevator.. rather than JUST MAKING FUN OF ME.. watch out.. the next time you guys are trapped in the elevator.. especially BLUR BLUR! and yeah.. no one turned up for theatre sports.. another off night for me.. GREAT...! HAHA.. guess what.. WADHAM and CLUNIES HAD a powercut for more than 12 hours ! LOSERS!

Hectic tuesdays...
I actually woke up by myself for class.. and I didn't fall asleep again.. for the first time.. checked out the shower and it was engaged.. so I thought I'll go have breakfast first.. and when I got back (after 20 minutes).. it was still engaged! No one in my building showers for that long except for me.. Later that evening, when I got back from classes, I saw a bottle of papaya bodywash and two bottles of paul mitchell shampoo.. I knew.. it could be only one person.... and that person has to be JOANNA CHOONG LI SHAN (the culprit).. hogging the greycourt shower for an hour... and miss POH SHEANEE.. missed her class because of her long shower (SHE NEVER MISS CLASSES)...girls (or maybe the girls I know) are just.. VAIN!!! ahhahahhahaha.. anyways, it was a hectic day.. theatre sports didn't go too well, almost done with assignment and I HAD A WEIRD DREAM.. I dreamt that I failed an online malay language test in Genting Highlands.. My dad had to bring me up to genting highlands on a roller coaster and drop me off at the HOTEL...? weird eh..? I fell asleep during my exams and I FAILED.. gosh.. weird dreams I have.. anyways.. i'll post something more interesting as the days come buy that is not related to me.. I HOPE.. haha.. instead of talking bout my routines and my boring life.. EVERYDAY!

great weekend...

Well this weekend was great.. not really a lot to do, but comfortable, peaceful and relaxing.. I haven't felt this relaxed for quite sometime.. maybe I've learnt to let things go.. maybe I've grown..? maybe I look at things more positively now..? maybe things starts to look good from now onwards..? I can't tell.. but to let time tell.. Cafe International is finally over.. stress over for all the co-ordinators especially damien who works his ass off for it.. can't understand why though.. maybe i should learn.. a lot of things came through my mind this week.. i asked myself.. am I really matured..? am I really ready to take on any challenge that is thrown at me..? what do I actually want..? what are my problems..? I feel that my life is filled with questions at the moment.. a sign of uncertainty within me...

Well, fun is almost over, the next few weeks will be stressful and hard to go through... still not sure whether I'm going back.. those guys wanna go Sri Lanka at the end of the year..? don't think I can afford.. have to see what happens.. It'll be great to travel.. but I would really love to go to either the States, Europe or at least Angkor Wat.. the scenery there looks awesome.. haha.. SEE.. I'm already dreaming.. can't blame me.. it's already 4 a.m in the morning.. and I am still awake.. reflecting my week.. and looking into my future.. haha... well.. this will be a short post again.. hope to have a great week ahead for everyone!

Avoiding..?

Today started off early for me.. I actually went for my class early in the morning.. I felt alright today.. I knew it was gonna be a tiring day.. but i made a vow to go for all my classes... yeah... and i did.. i did not concentrate that well though.. everytime it gets bored.. i wander into my own little world.. dreaming of stuffs that will never happen, thinking of stuffs that I'm not supposed to think of during lectures and thinking of my duties for the day. Family has been on my mind quite recently.. I realize.. nothing is as important as your family.. no matter what happens.. I had a chat with my mom last night.. and I jus wouldn't put down the phone.. because.. I wanna feel at home..I guess I know where I'm bound for this winter break unless something rather interesting pops up!

Sometimes, I feel like.. I can't handle problems.. instead of handling my problems.. I choose to avoid them.. I've been looking for a solution.. but I really can't find one... or I'm just reluctant to (see, I'm avoiding again!) I just like to avoid problems.. and let them accumulate.. at times, i thought I've solved them, but it seems like.. it keeps getting back to me.. oh well.. that's how i lived my life for the past 3 years... sitting back.. n waiting for miracles to happen..

anyways.. I shall keep this post short.. I realize.. my posts.. are like essays.. u know.. enough words for a PMR english paper!

another day has gone by

It's the start of a new week.. it seems like this week is a really busy week with two assignments in hand.. wished I did more last week.. but I was really under a lot of pressure.. It feels like time is moving like a bullet train.. maybe even faster than that.. the exam timetables are out.. apparently I'm ending my exams on the 21st of June.. which means.. I'm ending late again.. MAN.. THIS SUCKS!

Anyways, I'm still considering whether I should go back or should I stay here and go on a trip..? I really miss my friends and family back home and I miss all the mamak sessions.. all the fun without any pressure.. I guess.. when u've known one another for 12 years.. there's no holding back on what you can say and what you cannot say.. you just tell everything! yeap.. I'm quite looking forward to going back.. to refresh myself with an environment that I'm really comfortable in.. and gaining some weight with all the delicacies back home.. I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO EAT SOME PROPER MEALS.. the meals at IH SUCKS! Yet, at the same time.. I do not want to miss out on any fun trips over here..! Well, I shall decide soon..

It's 5.39 p.m now.. another 1 hour and 6 minutes away from yet another dinner at IH.. As I've said before.. I really hate going down for dinner! I really hate making announcements...! Haha.. I guess I'm just complaining a lot nowadays.. nothing seems to please me.. I've been quite a lousy person lately and acting weird.. yeah.. weird's the word.. AM I HAVING PMS..? Anyways, another day has gone by, nothing's really changed, things seem to improve slightly and I NEED GOOD FOOD...... !