Insomnia...

It's 6 a.m in the morning... I can't really sleep.. but I really don't know why.. it's not that the floor is not comfortable.. it's not becoz i drank coffee.. I'm just awake.. and I still feel energetic.. I really don't know why..

It seems that the whole world is asleep and here I am.. watching everyone's world asleep.. it reminds me of that bsb song.. incomplete.. where one of its line says.. I'm awake while the world is half asleep.. I'm just too awake.. and I don't know what to do.. and I want to keep myself distracted.. so I'm posting this blog up.. I don't really know what to say at the moment.. cos I don't even know what I'm thinking.. I just feel numb.. I just feel soo empty.. and soo.... I don't know.. I can't describe how i feel.. a week of the holiday went by.. time passes by like a bullet train yet again.. leaving me behind..

I always feel that time and other people progresses without me... it's as though I'm this person.. who's always left behind the train.. chasing it.. hoping that one day he'll manage to hop onto it.. and get a ride on it.. I feel like.. other people are advancing way too fast.. leaving me behind.. is it because.. of my slow pace in doing things..? is it because I don't put in effort..? Is it because fate decides my life to be that way..?

I guess life is full of ups and downs.. but at the moment.. it looks like the sky is really grey.. it feels like the sun won't shine.. it feels like the star and moon won't show.. it feels like there's no tomorrow...

Well.. forgive me for my random analogies... I'm just too awake to be asleep.. haha... well to everyone's who's sleeping.. haf a nice sleep alright!

Thursday morning...

It seems that my daily routine is screwed up. Haha.. I sleep in the morning.. and I get up in the evening. I stay awake till like 7 a.m everyday... just doing random stuffs. What a holiday I would say.. it's a holiday that's exactly like my normal uni days! Guess...I've been having quite a holiday for myself for this past 2 years. I hardly do anything during uni days and only start studying on SWOT vac. Gosh.. at this rate I'm going.. I wonder where I'll end up this semester.

I finally let it out.. finally told what's on my mind.. I'm not exactly sure whether it helped the situation or it'll improve the situation.. All I know is.. at least.. I a part of those things bothering me for the past 3 or 4 days has subdued. Well, what's next? I really don't know.. Well, lets just hope I don't destroy the holiday mood for others. I mean.. after all it's holidays.. and everyone just wants to have fun.. Maybe I went over my usual limit, I hardly let it all out.. I hardly say anything.. but sometimes.. when it's all filled up... and you need space to store more stuffs.. you just have to find that space..

It really makes me think sometimes.. what's the most important personality one could really need to be a person loved by others. Is it to be caring..? Is it to be funny? or is it to just have loads of money so that you can buy others meals all the time..? Is it all about being cool, fun and accepted by others? I really can't tell.. but I guess the most important thing is.. to be yourself... be real.. then it doesn't really matter what other's think of you. After all, opinions are really subjective. Yeah, I know.. sometimes I tend to forget that and try to search for an identity for myself.

Sometimes you wish, you could understand what other's are thinking.. but it's not that easy especially when everyone has different thoughts and everyone is unique. You wish you know, what's up with someone who's not smiling at all.. you wish to know.. what's up with that person who does not seem to talk to you like how they used to.. but the fact is.. it's kinda impossible to do so.. there are a million reasons someone can be upset.. they can be upset with you or other reasons..

I understand now.. you play different roles in other's life.. sometimes your role is more important.. sometimes another person's role is more important.. as much as we hope for equality in life.. it doesn't really occur. As much as ppl don't say it out.. they know in their hearts.. that they already have a decision or preference when they were given the options.. it's just how to make the decision look good.. and satisfy everyone.. but yet again.. in that process.. you can never avoid.. hurting someone and make everyone satisfied.. well.. that's life.. people have preferences and I guess I can't blame them for their preference..

Well, I just have a lot to questions, doubts, etc... but I don't think I know how to type it out in words.. Haha.. anyways... good morning and enjoy your day..!

another 6 a.m post

It seems like my holidays revolves around sleeping late, wasting time and watching movies. I've basically watched like 8 movies in the space of two days. Well, at least movies keep me distracted and make my holidays slightly more meaningful than just wasting time. Yet another 6 a.m, yet I still feel really awake and I don't know whether I should try to sleep.. My sleeping time is so screwed up right now..! Arghhh...

I watched a really random movie today.. called 'American Beauty.' I really did not understand what the movie is all about. It's just a random family with lots of problems and I don't even know where the climax was.. the story was narrated by a guy who got shot on the head...! I mean.. it's quite ridiculous.. but yet again.. it's only a movie. Well, even though it was quite random.. it was unique in a way and it had a couple of lessons to be learnt from there.. like.. money can't buy happiness..? or maybe... don't cheat on your husband..? hmmm.. really can't tell.. haha

Movies sometimes could really make you believe that you could be a hero.. or maybe you could save the day or you'll get this hot chick at the end of the day and everything just goes smoothly for you. Movies usually only portrays the ideal world that we could imagine and how often does the hero in a movie die..? Well.. it's always.. the bad guys die and the good guys prevail.. or it's always a happy ending where the guy gets the girl he likes and lead a happy life.. does life always end up this way..? Guess not.. the world we live in... has much more complexity with harsh reality and truth..

People told me to believe in myself.. to have more self-confidence and to be more optimistic. Sometimes, you really want to.. it's just that maybe the environment doesn't allow you to do so.. or maybe you just can't find the right motivation don't put in enough effort. Everyone wants to make a difference, everyone wants a perfect personality, perfect partner, but yet again.. how many people actually succeed..? It annoys you sometimes when your weaknesses overshadow your strengths. Well, I guess.. life was never meant to be fair.. from the day you were born till the day you die.. there will always be imbalance.. but sometimes it's just sickening.. to fall over and over again.. and you find it hard to get up.. the fact is that.. reality is harsh.. and I guess I should learn to accept reality and to accept failure.. after all I'm no saint.. or hero..

A walk to remember..

It's 5 a.m in the morning.. I still can't sleep... I really don't know why am I still awake.. I really don't know why I am here.. right in front of the laptop.. typing this post.. guess I really have a lot to say.. but I just don't know how.. so I have to type it all out.. I really wish I could just say anything I want.. anything I feel and anything at all without having to face the consequences.. In the ideal world.. it would have been that, but not in the world that we live in. Once u made an embarassing mistake, it will haunt you forever and you'll never repeat the same old mistake again! It sucks when you have something to say.. but you just don't want to say it because you know.. it will only make the situation worse for yourself.. It sucks when you're treated differently from others.. Sometimes I hope that human functions as a computer.. u only choose the data that you want to remain.. and those that you don't want to.. you could delete them.. But in other ways.. humans are really like computers.. just like humans.. computers don't function well.. when there is too much data in the system and the memory space is low.. that's when you get 'crashes'. I guess I'm having a system crash now.. haha..

Well.....all ramblings said and done.. back to what I really want to talk about. I watched the movie.. a walk to remember today.. When it was first released in the cinemas and I saw Mandy Moore's name and Shane's name on the casting.. I was like yeah.. it's gonna be a bad movie.. after all that guy is from westlife.. haha.. it turns out that the Shane that acted in the movie wasn't that Shane from westlife.. haha.. Anyways.. it was quite remarkable for a college or high school kid to be able to do so much for his girlfriend.. I'm not sure whether it was based on a true story.. but it seems quite impossible to be true. Well, the story line was very much like the korean series 'Autumn In my Heart.' It was very different compared to other high school or college chick flicks.. haha.. I almost wept when that guy hugged his dad and cried... but I think I'm one person who would hardly cry.. haha.. guess I'm just emotionless.. It was quite a good storyline.. very touching to see how much both of them loves one another.. does that really happen anymore..? haha.. especially at high school or college.. doesn't seem like it..but man.. I wish I will never have to part with my loved one like that..

Oh well.. I'm just bored and I can't sleep....... Haha.. so decided to type out some bull shit.. anyways.. signing off.. have a great holiday everyone..

6 a.m walk/run in princess park

I haven't slept the entire night but I still feel awake. It was 5.45 a.m, I asked my friend on msn.. whether I should go for a run.. he told me, "Why not? If I was in Melbourne I would definitely do that." So, I set off on my little adventure to try running in princess park at 6 a.m in the morning. It was really windy, I started off running really fast.. I really wanna run off all my frustration, all my worries and everything that's I've kept inside me for so long... I wanna run it all away.. I told myself... I wanna run as fast as I could.. even the wind wouldn't stop me. Well.. eventually.. I was too tired.. I couldn't find that motivation that I always found when I ran in Princess Park.. it was just too windy.. As I ran.. I realize.. I've been always going against the wind.. trying to change things that's beyond my control and trying to force my way through.. I understand now.. there's no point to run against the wind.. it slows u down.. it tires you.. It tires you when you realize.. no matter how hard you try.. how fast you run.. you'll never run faster than others.. It tires you when people look at the fact.. you can't run faster than others.. it tires you.. when you're constantly compared with others who are better than you..

I decided to sit down at the railing... the wind blew gently at my face.. it felt so comfortable for one moment.. it felt so relaxing.. It was as if.. it told me to just stop running.. and just relax and look around you.. there's more than just completing that lap around the park. It's not how fast you run.. it's about how much you enjoy it. The swing caught my attention next.. I sat on it.. swinging myself a little bit.. it reminded me of my young days.. when everything was carefree and taken care of. I always wondered.. why can't I go back to those days..? But deep inside, I know.. I'm turning twenty soon.. I should be responsible for all my actions. I know I can't return to happy moments.. just as much as other people wants to.. I only have one option.. move forward.. yeah.. and so I did that.. and walked all my way back to IH.. was a bit long.. but quite relaxing..

I'm not sure if anyone even understands this post.. but it's just what I'm thinking at the moment.. haha... I realize.. I've been abusing my blog.. posting my anger and frustration on it.. well.. I'll see.. if this would change over the week.. well.. gonna go shoot some hoops and try to get to bed after this.. adios..

"Why can't you be like him?"

Something really bothered me today.. I really don't know what is it, but I was jus really bothered. I'm really frustrated.. but I don't know what is the main thing that causes my frustration. I am not happy but I don't know what I am not happy about. I wanna improve but I don't know what I want to improve about.... I wanna break free.... but I don't know what I wanna breakfree from.. It's just one of those days that aren't going well and aren't going my way. It's hard to understand why because it's already the start of the holidays, yet I feel more frustration coming my way.

In my life, I always hated comparison. I hate it when my parents compare me with my other siblings. I hate it when they compare me with my cousins. When I was young I used to ask myself, why do I have to be like them? Why do I have to change..? It's not that I'm taking drugs or I'm a gangster.. I thought to myself.. they should be glad with the way I am.. after all I was just rebellious, nothing more than that.

Today, something really struck me.. one of my friend sorta asked me unintentionally.. he asked me.. "Why can't you be caring like him?" (I shall not disclose their names). I thought to myself.. for a very long time.. I didn't know what to reply him.. I thought and thought.. and I finally answered him.. "I am Kee Hong, he is himself, I'm sorry but I can't be like him." But in fact, sometimes, I wish I could be different.. not in every aspect, but some aspect. There a lot of things I would like to change.. but I know it's impossible to do so. Everyone says.. if there is a will there's a way.. does that always apply..? Sometimes. others try three times harder than others.. but in the end.. they don't get what they want.. sometimes people even sacrifice their lives to stand for what they believe in.. but.. what's the point?

Gosh....... just one of those days................... adiossssssssss................................. nitezzz....

Week 8...

Can't believe it.. today is the start of week 8, after the two week holidays at the end of this week will mean that I have another month to finals. Time FLIES.. maybe time ROCKETS i think. Arghhh.. I got a freaking 20% mid-sem tomorrow, and here am I slacking my ass off, cos I really don't wanna do any work. REALLY REALLY hate that subject, LECTURER's DARN BORING!!!!!!!!

I just realized something... my name means angry in so many languages.. in HOKKIEN.. it means (ki hong = getting angry), if you translate it from hokkien to Malay.. it would mean 'Naik Angin' which means getting angry as well. Boy, I think I am an angry kid.. have to admit it. Got pissed off over some unfriendly Australians over the weekend, and I am really really think those people are just being racist or whatever. Hey, we're paying so much more as an international student, so at least appreciate us for sponsoring part of your education. It's not like we came here to take political advantage over you guys!

Ohhh...... is today september 11...??????? What an important date..! How could I have forgotten this date..? This is when the WTC came collapsing down.. killing thousands of people 5 years ago..! HAHAHAHHAHHA.. just kidding.. well.. today our 'not so young anymore' friend, sheanee aka blurblur finally turned 19! YOU ARE OLD.. NO LONGER 18!!! HAHA.. anyways.. hope you have a great time and may you have a great year ahead of you!

Well.. I gtg.. slacking so much is not gonna get me good grades!

Cold/ gloomy/ rainny day...

I slept for 10 hours last night! It was jus too cold to get out of my bed and my doona on top of me just made me feel so comfortable and so warm! I was supposed to get up at 9 a.m to get some work done, but instead I got up at 12 ! That's the problem with melbourne weather, always unexpectable and always make u sleepy. Here I am, contemplating whether I should go for my two lectures, starting at 4 and ending at 6. Gosh.. really hate ending at 6 in the evening, when u walk out of the lecture hall, it's just so sad and dark and cold! Hmm.. chilly weathers are alright but I hate it when it's rainny.. just makes the day so gloomy and makes u feel lazy! Maybe I'm just lazy and I'm just taking the weather as an excuse! Well... finally add the final touches to the OB group assignment, hopefully it's all ok and that CC and I doesn't have to re-edit.

Everyone seems to be falling sick in IH.. wonder who was the culprit who spread the flu bug around! It's so annoying to have a running nose and to top it off with constant coughing... My cough is much better.. probably because I stopped drinking those jasmine tea yesterday.. The lesson learnt from this story is.. DON'T DRINK TEA WHEN U'RE COUGHING or u have to get your ass up from ur comfy bed becoz your cough is annoying the shit out of you!!

Anyways, I spent a lot of money over the weekend on jeans and clothes, gosh I'm broke. Besides that, there are tonnes of birthdays coming up within this two months.. which means.. MORE PRESENTS and MORE CASH TO BE SPENT!! Gosh.. i hope I can owe them their presents first and give it to them some time in the future.. maybe distant future.. if i can remember that is.. hehehhehe... AND... THIS UPCOMING TWO MONTHS ARE CRUCIAL TO DETERMINE IF I CAN GO BACK FOR CNY..! Haha.. i feel like an idiot.. people pass their exams for the sake of their future.. i pass my exams.. so i could celebrate CNY! HAHA... explains how much I look to my future... still thinking i'll be a char kuay teow or BKT seller!


Hmmm.. the IH soccer team made it to the semis this time around.. I really envy them.. I wished i was part of them.. but I know I will never make it due to my lack of height and physique.. sometimes.. size does really matter.. I remember last year when the team had so many midgets like ME.. and we couldn't even perform.. I didn't understand why my coach did not put me in the team last year.. but now I know.. size does matter.. height does matter... ! So, since then, I've changed sport.. I've played more basketball ( sounds stupid.. if i don't have the height for soccer, how could I have the height for bball..?) I did not expect myself to achieve a lot in that game.. so basketball is kinda fun for me.. cos i dun expect myself to be good at it!

Anyways.. gtg and do some study! BYE!

5.30 a.m in the morning.. can't sleep...

It's 5.30 a.m in the morning, I really want to sleep, but everytime I lie down, I just start coughing! I really don't know what's wrong, but I just seem to be coughing and coughing! It's really annoying! I haven't had such a long stretch of coughing since quite some time.. I've been coughing for the past few weeks, it got better but became worse over the weekend! Gosh.. It's so annoying! Really can't take it..

This past few days has been quite shitty! Assignments, work and work and work! Got a mid-sem next week, tonnes of tutorials waiting for me to complete and an individual assignment for me to consider whether i should do it or not! Seriously, assignments are ok.. if you do it on ur own, at least you get to work at ur own pace and even if you screw up, you don't screw up others! It's just annoying that the Management department has to give us so many group assignments. I mean, I really don't find the point of doing group assignments.. you get pointless group meeting where ppl just sit down and wait to get out of there, you get to discuss, but ur main aim is still to get ur butt off there! And sometimes you want to complete your part, you have to wait for ur other group mates to complete theirs! And when they complete theirs, you realize.. it's not really to the point.. and you shouting at the computer screen.... WAT THE HELL IS THIS...? So, the point is.. why can't the friggin department just give us individual assignments..? It's much more simpler and more productive that way!

Gosh.. I'm just annoyed, and to top it all off.. I have to get sick, it's so annoying! So much things to do and you got this blardee phlegm in your throat, tickling it all the time and friggin running nose that just won't stop running..? WHY CAN'T IT JUST WALK..? gosh.. I'm just annoyed... I really want to sleep...

Anyways, HAPPY 20th Birthday to Ju-Lear...! You'll have to fill in your forms and everything else with a '2' at the front.. hahahah! Hope you enjoy urself and yeah best wishes!

Well.. I really need to sleep........... hope I'll stop coughing.... BYE!

week 6...

Another weekend when by like a breeze, and again it's already week 6. We're already halfway through the semester. Yet again, it feels like I've just took the flight from Malaysia and arrived here last night. Everything seems to be going so fast regardless when you are happy or when you are not. I've grown in these 6 weeks. I've learnt more, I can't say I accomplished more because I'm still as slack as ever. I've learnt to change to come out of the shell that I used to be. I admit, there are still a lot of things I'm not satisfied about myself and I wished I could do better and move forward faster. I always wished for a lot of situations to be different, but I know it will never be and it will always be that way. Truth aren't always nice, are they..? Haha.. guess I just have to deal with it like a man.

This few days, a lot of things ran through in my mind about moving out of IH. I asked myself... would I be happier if i moved out..? How drastically would my life change compared to the life I'm having now..? The good thing about IH is.. you always get to talk to someone when you're bored. Unless we move out in a group, we will never get that. Besides that, you don't have to clean the floor when u mess it up and you don't have to cook all the time! Yeah, I know about my bragging about how sucky life is at IH for the past god knows how many weeks. But, I'm asking myself whether would I be happier or different if I was not here..? How about my beloved game of basketball..? I will not get to play it again..! Gosh.. A huge chunk of my time is spent on basketball, without it, I don't know what I'll be doing..! Sitting around my room and just do nothing..? Haha, I really can't imagine life without basketball... I play basketball almost everyday after dinner. It might not be a sport I'm good in or have an ideal height for.. but I feel like every game is a challenge to me.. every game is different.. with different strategy.. different energy and etc.

I'm confused.. I've always thought I wanted to move out, but suddenly all these things struck me.

10 things i observed from clubbing...

Well, last night was quite a crazy night... I started off buying some hair dye and got cc and ken to helped dye my hair... In the end, there was so much dye that damien, ken and CC could dye their hair as well! haha, so right, now all four of us... has similar hair colour! After that, we decided to go to the loft for clubbing. It was a decision made within 5 minutes and my first ever clubbing experience in Melbourne, yeah I know.. I'm a sad person. Sameer, Rahul K. , Anand, Damien, Ena, Dharen, CC, Ken and I decided to try out the club loft. One of the jokers got kicked out after 2 hours into the night... that was his second time in the space of like.. 3 weeks..? That was amazing...! I wonder what happenned this time... Anyways... I had an ok time... but could see that the rest didn't really enjoy it except for Damien, Anand, and Ena...

1. The place is packed, there is no place to move around...
2. There are more guys than girls at the end of the night so you're basically rubbing your asses with theirs by then..
3. The drinks are expensive, $9 for a bottle of heineken, wahlau!
4. Most of the guys there are there to check out the girls... (doesn't exclude me.. hehe)
5. Most of the guys there.. try too hard.. (ask Anand!)
6. You get pushed to the corner by guys in the dance floor if they see a hot chick dancing there.. or you get pushed by a group of girls if you they see a hot guy dancing!
7. You can't lean on someone's car when you're out of the club!
8. If you don't have balls, you don't pick up! Exception rule: It might be your lucky night.. and you don't even have to try and the girls come to you.. YOU LUCKY BASTARD DW..!
9. If you dance near some girls.. and you don't say anything at all to them... THEY GET PISSED! gosh..
10. Supper after clubbing is always good.. but you tend to fall asleep!

purpose of life...

The weekend passed by like a breeze, shoooo...... two days gone, back to uni on monday. This weekend wasn't too productive, didn't do much, just stayed in and basically watch movies and soccer. Gosh.. weekends could be quite dry over in melbourne sometimes unless u have a car. Most of the time I feel that my day's wasted cause I usually get up at 1 or 2 and by the time I get up the day's already almost over. But yeah.. weekends are sometin that I would looked forward to.. eventhough it could be boring. IH had their open day today, it's good to see parents bringing their kids around the college, smiling and feeling satisfied with the tour you provide them. Most of them looked really amazed with the college. For me, it's 50 bucks earned!

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me... what's the purpose of life and what's there left to drive you on when you feel your life has no purpose. I gave him an answer, but I don't think that really answered his question. I told him life's a challenge everyday and he's gotta challenge himself everyday. I just wanted him to feel better but I actually do not know. I am as lost as he is. That's one thing I can't understand till now. Sometimes if u asked me, I would say, I would rather be a char kuay teow seller and at least all that I have to think about is to improve my char kuay teow and look at my customer's satisfied face instead of having to study hard and get a job in the complicated corporate world. Sometimes, I sit down and ask myself.. why am I doing this..? What satisfaction do I get from what I'm doing..? Is this really what I want to do..?

I guess life is a cycle that we can't explain but just go on with it. You don't always get the things you really one. You might not be perfect, but you just have to fight for yourself and improve yourself. Things might not look good some times. But hey, you still got plenty of time! Your life might be better tomorrow or in the later years.. just gotta be patient. Everyone has their day and everyone will eventually get what they deserve. It's just like a boat drifting in the ocean, it will eventually find a right and nice island to land on one day. It might not be sure of its direction right now, but when it locates the island, there is where it'll go.

Shit.. analogies again.. hahahhaha.. I should be writing short stories! Haha, enough of preaching.. time for some SLEEP! Have fun for the rest of weekend everyone!

a strange feeling... (emptiness)

Something certainly seems missing from my life in Melbourne. Everytime I'm in my room, some how this negative feeling(emptiness) fills within me. It's a really strange feeling.. it feels so quiet, sometimes soothing but at times it really makes you quite depressed. It seems like the whole world quiets down in your room and the only thing that accompanies me are my songs on my Itunes playlist. I have quite a number of songs... but i seem to be repeating the same songs over and over again. Haha... guess I'm a boring person.

Back to this strange feeling... it takes it's toll on you sometimes. Sometimes you get really sick of it, but there's nothing you could do. There are times that you have to be alone and do your own work or your own stuffs. Well, maybe this semester I've had too much time alone. Aside from playing basketball and chess and cooking I seem to do nothing in my room. Well, i thought having fishes would keep me company, but you just can't stare at that for hours. Ok fine... maybe I don't have the patience to just sit down and look at them swim all the time. Maybe once in a while it's alright. Haha...

Guess.. I'm just sick and tired of doing my reading for my OB assignment, eventhough it's not much reading. I'm just lazy.. that's the fact. Everytime I'm doing work, I'll find an excuse to divert myself into doing something else. I really hope I could fill in more to my life, so that I won't feel this feeling of emptiness. It's good sometimes.. but too much of it.. just makes ur life quite depressing. Guess I have to come out of my shell in greycourt a bit more or probably find some stuffs to do. Any suggestions..? Hehe.. anyways.. back to work..! I shouldn't be slacking..

perceptions...

It's been about 3 weeks since I came back to Melbourne. Things did not start off the way I really wanted it to be, I was troubled by a lot of problems especially with my self-esteem. I felt irresponsible for certain decisions I made. I felt like I could have done better with certain aspects of my life. Well, life's like that.. full with wrong decisions and perceptions.

Sometimes, you hope that the person you care for would really care about you, but I guess in reality things doesn't always go that way. I know I might not be the greatest of person anyone could trust or talk to. I know I might not be the fun guy that could cheer you up when you're down, but at least I know, when you need my help and if you are my good friend or you are a nice person, I would definitely help you. I don't come up with lies that certain people are my good friend and when I'm behind their backs I say different stuffs about my friendship with them. For those ppl, I'm sorry but you are jus not a true friend and you are a hypocrite. I might have criticised certain people or certain individual, but at that point when I'm making that comment it's either I was too angry or I wasn't really thinking. If I've ever done that, I sincerely apologise.

I just hope that certain people would hold to their words. When they tell you nice stuffs like you are a nice guy, you are my best friend or whatsoever, I really hope they actually mean it. Words can be said at anytime and any place but the most important thing is that, they sincerely come out from you. It really beats the point if you go around and tell everyone you're my good friend or whatsoever hoping that you'll have more friends or your friends will help you when you need help. If some of you out there think that I'm not good enough to be your friend, then let me know. I wouldn't say a word..

I can't say that I'm perfect person that have never really made a mistake before, I have made mistakes before and I really regret it right now. I know I shouldn't hope for appreciation when I offer help to anyone at all, but seriously some appreciation will really make up someone's day.

Well, I guess life will never be conflict-free or problem-free. In life, we have to put up ourselves with a lot of truths and lies. We even lie to ourselves sometimes just to put give ourselves some hope. It's not wrong to hope, but it just means that you're lying to yourself.

Hmmmm... my recent posts sounds like morale studies or something like that. I guess I should stop here. Have a pleasant weekend everyone..

CLICK!

hehe.. i watched the movie click! last night off the network. It just makes me think how wonderful would life be under one click! Imagine if someone nags at u, u just need to mute tht person. Or if your neighbour's dog is being a nuisance, just turn the volume down! If u hate certain days of your life or u know it's gonna be a tiring day, jus click forward. Where else, if you are having a good day, you might just wanna pause ur day and let everything stop for that very moment!

Well.. Well.. i guess life ain't that easy and everything's not just a click away! Well, some internet broadcasters might advertise their product with the famous phrase everything is just a click away, but in reality, u actually have to type the blardee webpage's address or maybe even search for it. Even if life was that easy, there are just too many details in our daily life that can't be fast forwarded like that or put onto pilot mode.

As much as I want to have a universal remote control that controls everything, I know in reality we have to face the challenges in our daily life with a positive attitude. Besides that, going forward alone in your life, doesn't mean that you are happy! Well, i feel like I'm preaching, hehe, guess I'm just bored and just wanna post this up so that I don't have to start on my assignment. But oh well, guess I have to go... CLICK!

ANYWAYS, ANYONE KNOW WHERE TO GET A TOILET SEAT WARMER..? TOILET SEATS IN MELBOURNE ARE FREAKING COLD!

there's gotta be more... at least more in my life...

My life has some what become like a daily waste to me. I get up after at least 9 hours of sleep. Even some times when I have 10 hours of sleep i still complain that I'm tired and sleepy. Something is so wrong with me. I don't seem to have the right motivation to be doing things i should be doing. I seem to have gone from bad to worse. I really don't know what's going on with my life. It seems like I spend half a day thinking about unnecessary stuffs and another half of the day sleeping or just wasting my time in front of the laptop.

I've got tonnes of assignments, tute works, and revision of my studies to go through. At this rate, I seriously think I would end up in Malaysia jus frying char kuay teow or sell chicken rice. No kidding! I know I shouldn't live such a life, I know there's more to my life. I know I wasn't here just for me to waste my time or just to wait for summer to come by. There's gotta be more, I'm sure there's gotta be more than this.

Sometimes, I think I choose to be like this, I choose to be the way I am when I know there are more things that I could do or think about. I know a what's going on and it's just me who's preventing myself in excelling in life. My ever-same attitude which is so pessimistic and my lack of courage and determination is preventing me from achieving so much more in life. I think I'm a quitter in many ways. I know what's wrong.. it's just that, I never put an effort to change it. My favourite phrase in my life is.. 'I duno ler, screw it, everything will fall in place eventually.' That's rubbish! I know for sure, everything wouldn't just be there without me putting in any effort. I feel I ain't much different from those idiotic ah bengs going around and collecting protection fees. I'm just like one of them...

I need a change! I want to change! I want to have more than just wasting my day with some routine! I want to be different! BUT HOW..?

cartoons...

Some people think cartoons are really retarted or childish. Others might think cartoons are just for kids and laugh off the idea of watching cartoons. Well, some watch cartoons just for the animation. Yeah, cartoons might always end up with the perfect ending where everyone is happy and all's good which seems unrealistic in many ways cos real life ain't cartoon. Well, i watched cars on my laptop today and i think otherwise...

Cartoons may be unrealistic but we can learn a lot from watching cartoons. From cars, I realized that you don't always have to get everything you want in life to be happy. Sometimes, the simple things in life are those stuffs that really make you happy. I realize the situation I'm in right now is just like lightning mcqueen at the start, all solo and no teamwork. Well, it might get stuffs done but am I really that happy after all..?

Yeah, I have to agree it ain't easy to change, not just after a couple of days building roads. Besides that, I also learnt that you can look at a situation from many perspectives, the good ones or the bad ones. It's all up to you to choose which side you want to look at things from. Well, might sound easy but it's quite hard to always look at things from the good side, especially for a pessimist like me. Hehe..

Anyways, cartoons aren't always just about the animation, the cute characters and they are not jus for kids, there's more to it, like the meanings behind it and the relaxation that you get out of watching it. So, the next time someone tells you cartoons are lame, tell him/her to look at things differently!

my routined life...

Well.. my life has some what become of a routine, doing the same thing over and over again. Haha, chess, basketball, eating, going to uni, reading mangas. That's all I do everyday! I hardly go down to the dinning hall for meals anymore, I really don't know why, but guess I'm just too lazy and there are some things or some stuffs that I just wanna avoid till I've overcome it. I'm trying really hard to get started with my studies and catch up for the time I've wasted on doing and thinking of stupid stuffs, but I really really don't know how to get started!!! DAMN!

Sometimes, I question myself over and over again.. whether I'm just a coward hiding in my room and waiting for things to fall in place by itself without putting any effort. I like to wait till it's too late until the situation can't be changed, that's what I realized about myself. I feel that I could be quite idiotic sometimes. For instance, I don't even know how long 5m is..? CAN U BELIEVE THAT.. I've done physics for like 3 years, and I can't even estimate how long 5m is... I really doubt my intelligence, guess I shouldn't be at uni and sell char kuay teow or bak kut teh back home, at least I won't waste my parent's money.

Well, at the moment, I've found myself a short term goal which is to have my holidays as soon as possible, not the mid-semester break but end of the year break, that's how much I'm looking forward to be back with my family. I really miss them... Other than that, I can't really tell what else am I looking forward to. It's like I'm a drifter that's following the wind and let it take me to where ever it wants to.

3 days back.. still feel the same.. maybe worse..

3 days back at IH, I still feel the same, nothing has changed really, everything is still same old from last semester... except for the fact that I could feel everyone's got their own aims this semester and are actually working towards it except for me. I'm sort of the aimless one, still looking for a goal and can't even decide wat the goal is. However, I've already made a couple of important decisions and I'm glad about it, just that, i don't know what the aftermath of that decision would be.

Well, rearranged my room, got some goldfishes but they seem to be afraid of me. Well, I guess I am not really good with pets. Haha, this semester seems really quiet as everyone is busy with their own stuffs. Hmmm, well the only thing I'm really looking forward to now is the summer holidays, I just got back from a break but suddenly I just feel that I need a break. Anyways, some tutor in IH actually said that I look like a twenty two year old..? Am I that old..? Hmmm, maybe I am. Haha, time to retire from a lot of stuffs especially those sports that require a lot of fitness, I'm just not fit anymore (not to say I was ever fit, but right now it's worse!)

Hmm.. that sums it all up, I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm aimless and I think I'm gonna rot really soon..? Someday u might find some awful smell from my room, that might be my corpse rotting! haha, jk..

10 things i wish for..

1. I wish I could express myself more freely
2. I wish I could be more optimistic about things
3. I wish I had more self-confidence
4. I wish I could be happy all the time
5. I wish I could share my thoughts my feelings with everyone
6. I wish someone could be there for me 24/7 no matter what happens
7. I wish other's could understand what I'm thinking without having to tell them and I wish I could understand other's without them having to tell me what's on their mind
8. I wish I was better in handling problems
9. I wish I could make my decisions straight away...
10. I wish i had more courage..

At the end of the day, many of us wished we were different or wished somethings did not happen or could have happen, but we are what we are, and we know for a fact, somethings could not be changed..