Worried like mad...

Gosh.. I just can't help but to keep thinking that results is coming out this thursday! I'm so worried on the outcome of my exams this time around. I really can't tell what's gonna happen.. Sometimes, I wished I had put in more effort to change things around, like doing my tutes regularly, going for every lecture and every tute, doing all the required readings and all the supplementary readings, going throught the I-lecture, going for all those extra tutorials and consultations, paying attention in lectures and tutes and not being a slacker. The fact is that I haven't done all those stuffs.. and every new year or semester that comes by.. I'll tell myself I'm gonna do it.... and over and over again.. I've failed in doing so.. shows how USELESS I am.... somehow time passes by so fast.. that I don't even have time to concentrate fully on my studies (this is just an excuse!!!)

I'm already having nightmares, I check my e-mail from time to time to see if Melbourne Uni sends me some e-mail to tell me to sit for some supplementary examination or something like that. I check the guidelines for marking law papers, turns out that they need 2 person out of a 3 person board to fail someone and if they could they hardly fail someone.. or at least that's what the guideline says.. anyways.. I really hope that's the truth! I really hope I don't fail anything at all.. esp CORP LAW and ACE.. gosh.... I don't want to go back for summer.. I'm enjoying a very simple life here.. don't want it to end just after 3 weeks.. I haven't played my mahjong.. I haven't gone on a trip... I haven't wore my liverpool jersey out to support them at a mamak stall or a pub or etc.. I haven't had proper seafood yet.. I haven't had proper japanese food yet.. I haven't done so many stuffs.. I don't want it to end right here...! PLEASE................... don't let it be.. =~~

Well, at this moment, I really can't do much anymore, but to keep praying and have faith.. whatever the outcome is, it's because of my own action.. whether it's good or it's bad.. so, let's just hope that everything turns out well.. I really can't wait anymore.. the anxiety is killing me! Good luck and all the best to everyone... hope everyone does well as well..

Another 'sueh' day

Looks like, bad luck won't go away just like that, I woke up today hoping that liverpool would win against portsmouth, guess what... they only managed a draw..! WHAT THE HECK! Well, the morning was smooth like usual, going to the market with my parents, buying some stuffs and after that went jogging and breakfast. That has become my usual routine nowadays. HOW INTERESTING!!

Well, my mom asked me to go for a haircut which I didn't really want to because my hair still has dye on it! I know if I cut it, she would nag at me if I dye it again! Eventually I went for a haircut and I bought a pack of LOREAL 3D dye or whatever u call it.. Excitedly, I wash my hair and put it all over my hair WITHOUT my shirt on.. So, after 30 minutes, I washed it off and guess what.. THE HAIR DYE ON MY FACE WOULDN'T GO OFF! I panicked.. and kept scrubbing and scrubbing my face and my body, but it just wouldn't go off.. I even use facial scrub to get the dye off.. DAMN, I was like.. if the dye wouldn't go off I'm FUCKED.. I WOULD LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT FOREVER!

So, I asked my mom what to do.. she told me to go back to the salon.. i checked wikipedia and realize that cigarette ashes do the same work as well, so I wanted to do that.. but my mom insisted that I go back the salon to wash it off.. she said it would be free! Ok fine.. I went back to the salon.. got them to SCRUB it off... it was not an easy task.. and that hairdresser told me to wash my hair as well.. and the total cost of my haircut was...
CUT = RM 15
DYE = RM 30
DYE REMOVAL = RM 10
HAIR WASH = RM 14
Total = RM 69!!!

Well, due to my stupidity... and I had to pay another 24 dollars extra and on top of that.. the dye on my hair is not really visible.. so that's a total of 54 dollars wasted.. including yesterday's parking fine.. thats a total of 84 dollars wasted.. man.. I'm a DUMBASS...!

The right motivation...

I've been back for more than one week, all I did was eat, sleep, watch tv series and jog in the morning. My life right now is quite monotonous, but the surprising thing is.. I'm not complaining. I haven't really hung out with my friends yet since they are really busy with their exam preparations for their ACCA finals. So yeah, no mahjong, not much mamak, no futsal, no watching movies, but it's not that bad. Managed to meet up with Su San today after like... 3 or 4 years..? But how lucky, the first time I met her and that's the first time I got a parking fine! Thanks to her laughing at me about the way I park my car, I ended up forgetting about buying a parking ticket! Gosh.. she's kinda sueh. All in all, it was good meeting up with her as the last time I met her was like in form 1..? Haha.. how time flies!

CC got her internship at PWC.. I haven't done anything yet so far.. I haven't typed out a resume, I haven't applied for any jobs, I haven't done anything related to my future. Everyone seems so pumped up to get a good job, to get ahead of others in the job market after graduating, but me, on the other hand, couldn't care less about it.. I really can't understand why. I wanted to work at PWC, but after hearing how those buggers torture those interns, I told myself, nah, it's too much for me to handle. After all, my sister quit after a month! Apparently, they squeeze every single cent that they pay u out of ur work! Well, I just think that it is important to enjoy ur holidays.. I don't wanna haf a sucky holiday and go back to melbourne complaining that I haven't rested enough. WHAT A GOOD REASON TO BE LAZY ! Actually I think I just don't have the right motivation to do anything! I'm lazy to go anywhere, I'm lazy to work, I'm lazy to socialize and I just want to sleep and sleep and SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP...

First of all, I'm not even sure if I need to go back to melbourne after my results, results will be out in about 9 days.... ISN'T THAT AMAZING..? IF I SCREW UP, I'M DEAD! THAT'S IT! THAT's THE END OF HOLIDAYS.. BYE BYE HOLIDAYS..! So, what the heck! Might as well enjoy my holidays first before deciding on anything major! Yeah, call me a lazy bum, call me ambitionless, call me whatever you want, but my opinion is, you gonna work for the rest of your life, why start so early..? HAHA..

Well, I guess that's it for now... gonna go bed, it's only 11.10 p.m. I know it's darn early, but that's how early I sleep nowadays as the latest I sleep is at 1 a.m! I need to get up in the morning to jog!

Back with the heat (part 2)

I'm back with the heat again.. it's really warm back in malaysia eventhough it has been raining everyday. The rain is just ridiculous. You just don't feel like getting out of your house as you don't know when u'll get caught in a ridiculously heavy rain that blinds ur vision while you are driving and get urself into an accident. Anyways, it's back to good food, good tv with astro and more football on tv... and when I say football I mean.. the round ball that u kick.... not the Australian footy..! I still don't get why they call it soccer in Australia.. ridiculous.. haha

Anyways, been eating a lot, a lot of comments about me, my weight and my hair. Surprisingly, my parents did not give me a hell of a scolding when they saw my hair. My mom just said I looked like a VCD seller. Actually, I kinda like my hair colour right now, I really wanna dye it again. Well, we'll see. Anyways, I am actually considering to get an internship, hopefully I'll be able to get it.

You know what? The prestige is no longer on screen in cinemas and in Australia they are just screening it. Shits, I thought I could watch the movie here, guess not, I just have to get a dvd instead. Well, at least I managed to watch Borat! Anyways, to everyone who's still having exams, good luck and to everyone who's jobless right now, join the gang!

3 down.. 1 to go..

My second year in Melbourne is coming to an end really soon, marking an end to a torturing period of exams and the start of holidays. Anyways, I already feel like I'm already in a holiday mood and I really can't wait to enjoy. Well, I would definitely loved to stay a lil' longer in Melbourne after exams, but my parents wants me back home as I stated in my last post, my sister's in Indon, and there's only two of them left at home. So, I'll be a good boy and accompany them for an additional week. So, yeah, I'll be going home on the 18th! I'm quite sure I'll miss out a lot, as everyone's holidays only starts after the 20th. *sighz*

It's been a hell of two years, full of things going on, full of joy, full of problems at the same time. However, I'm quite glad, my final month in IH was really a joyful one, thanks to the fact, I've grown and thanks to the fact that I have a bunch of great friends, it really made a difference of my stay in IH. I'm quite sure I'm gonna miss all the basketball, all the 'banging' (no naughty thoughts, it's a card game! haha), fingering (an action card in a card game called family business), bridge, poker, watching soccer together, talking for hours along the corridors, at the nudel bar, all the random dinner conversations at the dinning hall, etc. I really will miss all those times. However, we've all got to move on eventually ( this piece of advice is for Jeannie, cos she's feeling the blues, hehe), and I guess moving out of IH, will further test my friendship with my two new apartment mates, Damien and 24. It's gonna be a challenge.. but a new experience at the same time. It's gonna be sad leaving the big family in IH behind, after all, it's been like my 2nd home for this 2 years.

On the up side, Ken and CC are moving out as well, which makes it better! Haha, at least my fellow walking mate from classes will still walk along swanston street with me! Well, it's gonna be a new experience and I know it wouldn't be that bad. And to all of you guys at IH, you can still visit us anytime, except if my exams are the next day! HAHA.. well.. to sheanee and jo, maybe it's time you guys start getting a bowl to cook mi-g, as we won't be around to provide you with a bowl the next time, haha..

Hmmm.. my eyes kinda teary.. ahhahahahha... maybe I'm feeling the blues too.. anyways, everyone.. take care, and continue the IH spirit all right! Ohh, and I guess, I'll definitely miss Fang's way of cutting people, I just discovered he is really talented at literally cutting people! haha..

Well, this is the very first picture I'm gonna post on my blog.. ENJOY!

I'm paranoid....

Somehow, i think I'm a paranoid person.. just like my dad.. I often worry bout things like whether I took my ID wif me while I leave the exam hall or shit stuffs like leaving my laptop out in my room while I go on holidays. Everytime I take an exam, I'll be so paranoid that I think that I might fail, or maybe I am just not convinced with the way I answered the corp law paper today... Well, I hope I'm just paranoid and I hope I could pass that paper.. Well.. everything that is done is done.. can't change.. but to pray for the best of the results.. should start worrying bout ACE tomorrow.. I'm running out of energy.. Red bull isn't helping.. I'm mentally tired.. can't wait for a break.. can't wait for a good sleep.. can't wait to go home..! Well, gtg study, good luck for tomorrow's paper everyone!

1 down.. 2 to go...

Haha.. my first official post in lik 3 weeks plus.. I posted something last week.. but it did not appear..! Gosh.. I'm tired.. but come to think of it.. I'm done by the 15th... which is great news.. I might fly back on the 17th or 18th.. to accompany my parents as they are really bored at home now.. with my sister away at Indon. Wonder if the Mi-G there tastes better. haha..

I'm stressed but I don't know.. somehow I'm still slightly calm. Maybe the thought of getting everything over so soon.. makes me happy in a way... It's like having a marathon.. the nearer u are the more you want to finish it.. eventhough you are tired and slow. I wished I could be like some people who needs only like 1 or 2 hours of sleep before they go to their exams. I really realize that I can't do that.. I run out of mental strength really fast, does that show that I'm weak mentally..?

Well, 3 more papers to go. One on tomorrow, another one on thursday and I could take a small break before my final paper on the 15th. Then I'm officially a free man! Haha, well.. shouldn't be procrastinating too much, should be doing some work again! Wish me luck to survive this traumatic event of the year! haha.. and all the best to everyone's who's having exams!

Love and its imperfections...

Love is a probably an aspect of my life that I have not mentioned about or written about.. firstly, it's one of the aspects in my life that I can't handle that well and I have quite a number of heartbreaking experiences in this area... Recent happenings to my friends has put extra doubts on relationships.. Maybe I watched too much American Pie and my perception of relationships has changed quite a fair bit. Well, I guess relationships are like technology.. they evolve as time changes.. people want different things and need different things from a relationship.. A few decades back.. falling in love with one person.. means being with them forever (well.. at least that's my perception of people back then).

So what do I think couples seek out of relationship nowadays.. For guys.. the main thing would definitely be to able to have sex and to engage in whatsoever sexual intercouse.. relationship is like a licence to do so.. well.. for girls.. I would believe.. sex is important as well.. but I guess.. for them.. the thing that they seek out of a relationship is to have someone to be able to sacrifice for them and to have someone to be able to do something for them... Fair enough.. some of you would argue that.. friends with benefits would be able to do that as well... but think about it.. if you are in a relationship.. no one would bitch about u! Besides that, relationships nowadays are based much more around looks, money, and not primarily on qualities you see in the other person. OH.. convenience can also be a basis for a relationship! There are many more bull shits.. that could lead to a relationship.. well takes time to name them all!

Well, I would say.. relationships are really vague.. people who are in relationships.. sometimes they are not even sure whether they like the other person or they just want a companion because they are lonely. Some people are in relationships mainly because they want to have one. Long distance relationships is one thing that I never agreed and will never agree with.. it's just because.. I think physical presence in a relationship is very important instead of communicating with someone over the phone.. You can say whatever you want on the phone.. but when you are talking to one another face to face.. it's hard to lie.. it's hard for you to not tell the truth.. unless you are really cold blooded and you have no feelings for the other person at all.. LDRs just doesn't have the substance that is required in a healthy relationship (it might work for some people, I don't deny it). Well, I feel once you're separated from your partner, both of you just have your own lives and you just can't be monitoring their life over the phone, webcam or whatsoever no matter how great the technology is.

Well, maybe I haven't met someone that I would trully love and would trully sacrifice for.. at this stage, I would say I'm rather immature to be in a relationship.. but from my very own experience.. relationships work both ways.. it doesn't work if only one side is putting in the effort and the other side is just half-hearted. Yeah.. love is blind.. but you can't be blind forever and be the one giving in all the time.. Everyone seeks for the perfect one.. the perfect love.. the perfect relationship.. the perfect marriage... but how many actually gets it..? Think about it..

Well, it's rather a long post.. should end it here.. to all the people who are in relationships.. appreciate it! To those who don't have one.. you ain't that bad.. don't worry.. and to those who has problems with relationships and LDRs.. well.. good luck mate!

6 weeks left...

8.45 a.m in the morning, a rare sight for me, Kee Hong Tan to be at the dinning table, having breakfast and talking some random bull shit with some other people that I hardly talked to. People actually laugh when they see me, it's as though it's criminal for me to be down for breakfast! First thing they asked me was.. hey.. why so early..? I decided to wake up early today to have some bacons with eggs that I have been wanting to have for quite some time. I realize yesterday that I got 6 weeks left to do so and that means there is 5 more times for bacon and eggs excluding this breakfast.

If you were to ask me whether I enjoyed my IH life, I wouldn't know how to answer your question. I would say it was hell of a year last year when everything was new and everyone seemed so interesting. It's just like when you get something new, you tend to want to use it more, as it wears out, you seem to be keeping it aside more and more. Well, my IH life could have been better if I actually made an effort to know more people and to talk to more people. Partially it was my fault for my not so interesting year this year. Yeah, you can blame it on being a senior and tell others you just can't be bothered to repeat the whole process u did at o-week where you just ask some random bull shit to know some other people. Little did I know at o-week, that I would end up with a bunch of fijians, sri lankans, two unique indians, one sissy malaysian boy, and two blur than ever malaysian girls ( I didn't know most of them during o-week). It seems like it's been a while.. and along this journey.. a lot seemed to happenned.. some good, some bad, some just can't be explained by words. Sometimes, you wish u could go back to all the good moments and have a good laugh when everything was simple and care-free.. but all you could do now... is look at those pictures on your laptop.. and smile at ur silliness..

A part of me wants to leave IH.. a part of me doesn't want to... eventhough I'm not exceptionally sure that one thing that makes me not want to leave. Maybe it's the hassle...? Maybe I still love being in IH..? Maybe it's basketball..? I really don't know.. All I know is.. for the next 6 week or so.. I'll try to make the most of my IH life.. get closer to more people... try to make more friends before I leave and make full use of their facilities! hahahahhaha.. at least I can tell myself that I actually accomplished something...

Short note: Thanks to all those people who cared for me while I'm sick.. appreciate it.. I went to the doctor already.. he said i would cure in 1 or 2 months.. GOSH.. it's some post viral cough or some bull shit like that.. he didn't want to give me any medicine but on request he gave me an ASTHMA INHALER.. how cool is that..?

Never felt so sick in 2 years...

Seriously.. I hate being sick! It's as though your whole day is gloomy and all you ever did was trying to get some sleep. And even that, you can't do it properly! You seem to be coughing all the time, your nose seems to be running like a water tap... You get up a few times when you're sleeping just to drink water or puke.. but you still continue coughing! (I tried sleeping at 4 and I ended up sleeping at 8.30.. I couldn't sleep cause I needed to go to the toilet, I need a warm cup of water, I need to puke.. and I JUST WON'T STOP COUGHING.. DAMN!) You want to go for a run.. and when you do.. you realize.. you almost choke to death at the end of the run... You are hungry.. you missed brunch.. you want to go out and get some food.. you realize.. you're just too sick to get out of your room.. yet to go all the way to the city.. you realize you want to cook something.. there's nothing in the fridge.. yet again.... you can't be bothered to go to the city...

Gosh.. it's been a month since i started coughing.. i've never coughed for such a long time.. never felt so sick in like two years.. I got two assignments that are gonna due soon.. I got heaps of work to be done.. but I feel unwell.. and I really need to go to the doctor.. but you know.. you're just too sick.. to catch a tram and go see the doctor.. *whining*.. oh well.. i just hate seeing the doctor and eating medicine for some reason.. maybe had too much of them when I was young.. well.. the kee hong you see today.. isn't the same kee hong like 13 to 14 years back.. the kee hong back then.. was a weak.. and much thinner one.. oh well.. now that i've grown to be like a bull.. i'm still so weak.. SHITZZZZZZZZ.......

How I wish I was home.. at least someone could have drove me to the doctor.. or maybe some chinese medicine that my mom gets from the singse would have helped.. right now... I'm just stuck in my room.. waiting for the cough to cure by itself.. Seriously... it's not funny to fall sick.. when you're overseas.. You don't feel like eating sucky food when you're sick.. or you wished you had some porridge to eat.. (SHIT I COULD HAVE GOTTEN PORRIDGE DURING BRUNCH, COULDN'T WAKE UP!) and all SCHOLAREST serves you is shitty oilly food.. CURSE YOU.. SCHOLAREST!!! REALLY!!

Ok.. I'm just whining cos I'm sick.. wanna have a shower.. BYE!

On a plus side... Thanks to CC for the porridge and everyone else who offered me medicine and cared about my health.. thanks.. really appreciate it!

A poem to remember..

I stole this from a friend (su san) of mine's blog.. felt it was quite a good poem. Something I did in English literature in Form 5. I'll pay u for copyright fees when i get back... and remember to pay me for the click post... and actually raymond... I shall charge you for a walk to remember post.. haha..

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Insomnia...

It's 6 a.m in the morning... I can't really sleep.. but I really don't know why.. it's not that the floor is not comfortable.. it's not becoz i drank coffee.. I'm just awake.. and I still feel energetic.. I really don't know why..

It seems that the whole world is asleep and here I am.. watching everyone's world asleep.. it reminds me of that bsb song.. incomplete.. where one of its line says.. I'm awake while the world is half asleep.. I'm just too awake.. and I don't know what to do.. and I want to keep myself distracted.. so I'm posting this blog up.. I don't really know what to say at the moment.. cos I don't even know what I'm thinking.. I just feel numb.. I just feel soo empty.. and soo.... I don't know.. I can't describe how i feel.. a week of the holiday went by.. time passes by like a bullet train yet again.. leaving me behind..

I always feel that time and other people progresses without me... it's as though I'm this person.. who's always left behind the train.. chasing it.. hoping that one day he'll manage to hop onto it.. and get a ride on it.. I feel like.. other people are advancing way too fast.. leaving me behind.. is it because.. of my slow pace in doing things..? is it because I don't put in effort..? Is it because fate decides my life to be that way..?

I guess life is full of ups and downs.. but at the moment.. it looks like the sky is really grey.. it feels like the sun won't shine.. it feels like the star and moon won't show.. it feels like there's no tomorrow...

Well.. forgive me for my random analogies... I'm just too awake to be asleep.. haha... well to everyone's who's sleeping.. haf a nice sleep alright!

Thursday morning...

It seems that my daily routine is screwed up. Haha.. I sleep in the morning.. and I get up in the evening. I stay awake till like 7 a.m everyday... just doing random stuffs. What a holiday I would say.. it's a holiday that's exactly like my normal uni days! Guess...I've been having quite a holiday for myself for this past 2 years. I hardly do anything during uni days and only start studying on SWOT vac. Gosh.. at this rate I'm going.. I wonder where I'll end up this semester.

I finally let it out.. finally told what's on my mind.. I'm not exactly sure whether it helped the situation or it'll improve the situation.. All I know is.. at least.. I a part of those things bothering me for the past 3 or 4 days has subdued. Well, what's next? I really don't know.. Well, lets just hope I don't destroy the holiday mood for others. I mean.. after all it's holidays.. and everyone just wants to have fun.. Maybe I went over my usual limit, I hardly let it all out.. I hardly say anything.. but sometimes.. when it's all filled up... and you need space to store more stuffs.. you just have to find that space..

It really makes me think sometimes.. what's the most important personality one could really need to be a person loved by others. Is it to be caring..? Is it to be funny? or is it to just have loads of money so that you can buy others meals all the time..? Is it all about being cool, fun and accepted by others? I really can't tell.. but I guess the most important thing is.. to be yourself... be real.. then it doesn't really matter what other's think of you. After all, opinions are really subjective. Yeah, I know.. sometimes I tend to forget that and try to search for an identity for myself.

Sometimes you wish, you could understand what other's are thinking.. but it's not that easy especially when everyone has different thoughts and everyone is unique. You wish you know, what's up with someone who's not smiling at all.. you wish to know.. what's up with that person who does not seem to talk to you like how they used to.. but the fact is.. it's kinda impossible to do so.. there are a million reasons someone can be upset.. they can be upset with you or other reasons..

I understand now.. you play different roles in other's life.. sometimes your role is more important.. sometimes another person's role is more important.. as much as we hope for equality in life.. it doesn't really occur. As much as ppl don't say it out.. they know in their hearts.. that they already have a decision or preference when they were given the options.. it's just how to make the decision look good.. and satisfy everyone.. but yet again.. in that process.. you can never avoid.. hurting someone and make everyone satisfied.. well.. that's life.. people have preferences and I guess I can't blame them for their preference..

Well, I just have a lot to questions, doubts, etc... but I don't think I know how to type it out in words.. Haha.. anyways... good morning and enjoy your day..!

another 6 a.m post

It seems like my holidays revolves around sleeping late, wasting time and watching movies. I've basically watched like 8 movies in the space of two days. Well, at least movies keep me distracted and make my holidays slightly more meaningful than just wasting time. Yet another 6 a.m, yet I still feel really awake and I don't know whether I should try to sleep.. My sleeping time is so screwed up right now..! Arghhh...

I watched a really random movie today.. called 'American Beauty.' I really did not understand what the movie is all about. It's just a random family with lots of problems and I don't even know where the climax was.. the story was narrated by a guy who got shot on the head...! I mean.. it's quite ridiculous.. but yet again.. it's only a movie. Well, even though it was quite random.. it was unique in a way and it had a couple of lessons to be learnt from there.. like.. money can't buy happiness..? or maybe... don't cheat on your husband..? hmmm.. really can't tell.. haha

Movies sometimes could really make you believe that you could be a hero.. or maybe you could save the day or you'll get this hot chick at the end of the day and everything just goes smoothly for you. Movies usually only portrays the ideal world that we could imagine and how often does the hero in a movie die..? Well.. it's always.. the bad guys die and the good guys prevail.. or it's always a happy ending where the guy gets the girl he likes and lead a happy life.. does life always end up this way..? Guess not.. the world we live in... has much more complexity with harsh reality and truth..

People told me to believe in myself.. to have more self-confidence and to be more optimistic. Sometimes, you really want to.. it's just that maybe the environment doesn't allow you to do so.. or maybe you just can't find the right motivation don't put in enough effort. Everyone wants to make a difference, everyone wants a perfect personality, perfect partner, but yet again.. how many people actually succeed..? It annoys you sometimes when your weaknesses overshadow your strengths. Well, I guess.. life was never meant to be fair.. from the day you were born till the day you die.. there will always be imbalance.. but sometimes it's just sickening.. to fall over and over again.. and you find it hard to get up.. the fact is that.. reality is harsh.. and I guess I should learn to accept reality and to accept failure.. after all I'm no saint.. or hero..

A walk to remember..

It's 5 a.m in the morning.. I still can't sleep... I really don't know why am I still awake.. I really don't know why I am here.. right in front of the laptop.. typing this post.. guess I really have a lot to say.. but I just don't know how.. so I have to type it all out.. I really wish I could just say anything I want.. anything I feel and anything at all without having to face the consequences.. In the ideal world.. it would have been that, but not in the world that we live in. Once u made an embarassing mistake, it will haunt you forever and you'll never repeat the same old mistake again! It sucks when you have something to say.. but you just don't want to say it because you know.. it will only make the situation worse for yourself.. It sucks when you're treated differently from others.. Sometimes I hope that human functions as a computer.. u only choose the data that you want to remain.. and those that you don't want to.. you could delete them.. But in other ways.. humans are really like computers.. just like humans.. computers don't function well.. when there is too much data in the system and the memory space is low.. that's when you get 'crashes'. I guess I'm having a system crash now.. haha..

Well.....all ramblings said and done.. back to what I really want to talk about. I watched the movie.. a walk to remember today.. When it was first released in the cinemas and I saw Mandy Moore's name and Shane's name on the casting.. I was like yeah.. it's gonna be a bad movie.. after all that guy is from westlife.. haha.. it turns out that the Shane that acted in the movie wasn't that Shane from westlife.. haha.. Anyways.. it was quite remarkable for a college or high school kid to be able to do so much for his girlfriend.. I'm not sure whether it was based on a true story.. but it seems quite impossible to be true. Well, the story line was very much like the korean series 'Autumn In my Heart.' It was very different compared to other high school or college chick flicks.. haha.. I almost wept when that guy hugged his dad and cried... but I think I'm one person who would hardly cry.. haha.. guess I'm just emotionless.. It was quite a good storyline.. very touching to see how much both of them loves one another.. does that really happen anymore..? haha.. especially at high school or college.. doesn't seem like it..but man.. I wish I will never have to part with my loved one like that..

Oh well.. I'm just bored and I can't sleep....... Haha.. so decided to type out some bull shit.. anyways.. signing off.. have a great holiday everyone..

6 a.m walk/run in princess park

I haven't slept the entire night but I still feel awake. It was 5.45 a.m, I asked my friend on msn.. whether I should go for a run.. he told me, "Why not? If I was in Melbourne I would definitely do that." So, I set off on my little adventure to try running in princess park at 6 a.m in the morning. It was really windy, I started off running really fast.. I really wanna run off all my frustration, all my worries and everything that's I've kept inside me for so long... I wanna run it all away.. I told myself... I wanna run as fast as I could.. even the wind wouldn't stop me. Well.. eventually.. I was too tired.. I couldn't find that motivation that I always found when I ran in Princess Park.. it was just too windy.. As I ran.. I realize.. I've been always going against the wind.. trying to change things that's beyond my control and trying to force my way through.. I understand now.. there's no point to run against the wind.. it slows u down.. it tires you.. It tires you when you realize.. no matter how hard you try.. how fast you run.. you'll never run faster than others.. It tires you when people look at the fact.. you can't run faster than others.. it tires you.. when you're constantly compared with others who are better than you..

I decided to sit down at the railing... the wind blew gently at my face.. it felt so comfortable for one moment.. it felt so relaxing.. It was as if.. it told me to just stop running.. and just relax and look around you.. there's more than just completing that lap around the park. It's not how fast you run.. it's about how much you enjoy it. The swing caught my attention next.. I sat on it.. swinging myself a little bit.. it reminded me of my young days.. when everything was carefree and taken care of. I always wondered.. why can't I go back to those days..? But deep inside, I know.. I'm turning twenty soon.. I should be responsible for all my actions. I know I can't return to happy moments.. just as much as other people wants to.. I only have one option.. move forward.. yeah.. and so I did that.. and walked all my way back to IH.. was a bit long.. but quite relaxing..

I'm not sure if anyone even understands this post.. but it's just what I'm thinking at the moment.. haha... I realize.. I've been abusing my blog.. posting my anger and frustration on it.. well.. I'll see.. if this would change over the week.. well.. gonna go shoot some hoops and try to get to bed after this.. adios..

"Why can't you be like him?"

Something really bothered me today.. I really don't know what is it, but I was jus really bothered. I'm really frustrated.. but I don't know what is the main thing that causes my frustration. I am not happy but I don't know what I am not happy about. I wanna improve but I don't know what I want to improve about.... I wanna break free.... but I don't know what I wanna breakfree from.. It's just one of those days that aren't going well and aren't going my way. It's hard to understand why because it's already the start of the holidays, yet I feel more frustration coming my way.

In my life, I always hated comparison. I hate it when my parents compare me with my other siblings. I hate it when they compare me with my cousins. When I was young I used to ask myself, why do I have to be like them? Why do I have to change..? It's not that I'm taking drugs or I'm a gangster.. I thought to myself.. they should be glad with the way I am.. after all I was just rebellious, nothing more than that.

Today, something really struck me.. one of my friend sorta asked me unintentionally.. he asked me.. "Why can't you be caring like him?" (I shall not disclose their names). I thought to myself.. for a very long time.. I didn't know what to reply him.. I thought and thought.. and I finally answered him.. "I am Kee Hong, he is himself, I'm sorry but I can't be like him." But in fact, sometimes, I wish I could be different.. not in every aspect, but some aspect. There a lot of things I would like to change.. but I know it's impossible to do so. Everyone says.. if there is a will there's a way.. does that always apply..? Sometimes. others try three times harder than others.. but in the end.. they don't get what they want.. sometimes people even sacrifice their lives to stand for what they believe in.. but.. what's the point?

Gosh....... just one of those days................... adiossssssssss................................. nitezzz....

Week 8...

Can't believe it.. today is the start of week 8, after the two week holidays at the end of this week will mean that I have another month to finals. Time FLIES.. maybe time ROCKETS i think. Arghhh.. I got a freaking 20% mid-sem tomorrow, and here am I slacking my ass off, cos I really don't wanna do any work. REALLY REALLY hate that subject, LECTURER's DARN BORING!!!!!!!!

I just realized something... my name means angry in so many languages.. in HOKKIEN.. it means (ki hong = getting angry), if you translate it from hokkien to Malay.. it would mean 'Naik Angin' which means getting angry as well. Boy, I think I am an angry kid.. have to admit it. Got pissed off over some unfriendly Australians over the weekend, and I am really really think those people are just being racist or whatever. Hey, we're paying so much more as an international student, so at least appreciate us for sponsoring part of your education. It's not like we came here to take political advantage over you guys!

Ohhh...... is today september 11...??????? What an important date..! How could I have forgotten this date..? This is when the WTC came collapsing down.. killing thousands of people 5 years ago..! HAHAHAHHAHHA.. just kidding.. well.. today our 'not so young anymore' friend, sheanee aka blurblur finally turned 19! YOU ARE OLD.. NO LONGER 18!!! HAHA.. anyways.. hope you have a great time and may you have a great year ahead of you!

Well.. I gtg.. slacking so much is not gonna get me good grades!

Cold/ gloomy/ rainny day...

I slept for 10 hours last night! It was jus too cold to get out of my bed and my doona on top of me just made me feel so comfortable and so warm! I was supposed to get up at 9 a.m to get some work done, but instead I got up at 12 ! That's the problem with melbourne weather, always unexpectable and always make u sleepy. Here I am, contemplating whether I should go for my two lectures, starting at 4 and ending at 6. Gosh.. really hate ending at 6 in the evening, when u walk out of the lecture hall, it's just so sad and dark and cold! Hmm.. chilly weathers are alright but I hate it when it's rainny.. just makes the day so gloomy and makes u feel lazy! Maybe I'm just lazy and I'm just taking the weather as an excuse! Well... finally add the final touches to the OB group assignment, hopefully it's all ok and that CC and I doesn't have to re-edit.

Everyone seems to be falling sick in IH.. wonder who was the culprit who spread the flu bug around! It's so annoying to have a running nose and to top it off with constant coughing... My cough is much better.. probably because I stopped drinking those jasmine tea yesterday.. The lesson learnt from this story is.. DON'T DRINK TEA WHEN U'RE COUGHING or u have to get your ass up from ur comfy bed becoz your cough is annoying the shit out of you!!

Anyways, I spent a lot of money over the weekend on jeans and clothes, gosh I'm broke. Besides that, there are tonnes of birthdays coming up within this two months.. which means.. MORE PRESENTS and MORE CASH TO BE SPENT!! Gosh.. i hope I can owe them their presents first and give it to them some time in the future.. maybe distant future.. if i can remember that is.. hehehhehe... AND... THIS UPCOMING TWO MONTHS ARE CRUCIAL TO DETERMINE IF I CAN GO BACK FOR CNY..! Haha.. i feel like an idiot.. people pass their exams for the sake of their future.. i pass my exams.. so i could celebrate CNY! HAHA... explains how much I look to my future... still thinking i'll be a char kuay teow or BKT seller!


Hmmm.. the IH soccer team made it to the semis this time around.. I really envy them.. I wished i was part of them.. but I know I will never make it due to my lack of height and physique.. sometimes.. size does really matter.. I remember last year when the team had so many midgets like ME.. and we couldn't even perform.. I didn't understand why my coach did not put me in the team last year.. but now I know.. size does matter.. height does matter... ! So, since then, I've changed sport.. I've played more basketball ( sounds stupid.. if i don't have the height for soccer, how could I have the height for bball..?) I did not expect myself to achieve a lot in that game.. so basketball is kinda fun for me.. cos i dun expect myself to be good at it!

Anyways.. gtg and do some study! BYE!

5.30 a.m in the morning.. can't sleep...

It's 5.30 a.m in the morning, I really want to sleep, but everytime I lie down, I just start coughing! I really don't know what's wrong, but I just seem to be coughing and coughing! It's really annoying! I haven't had such a long stretch of coughing since quite some time.. I've been coughing for the past few weeks, it got better but became worse over the weekend! Gosh.. It's so annoying! Really can't take it..

This past few days has been quite shitty! Assignments, work and work and work! Got a mid-sem next week, tonnes of tutorials waiting for me to complete and an individual assignment for me to consider whether i should do it or not! Seriously, assignments are ok.. if you do it on ur own, at least you get to work at ur own pace and even if you screw up, you don't screw up others! It's just annoying that the Management department has to give us so many group assignments. I mean, I really don't find the point of doing group assignments.. you get pointless group meeting where ppl just sit down and wait to get out of there, you get to discuss, but ur main aim is still to get ur butt off there! And sometimes you want to complete your part, you have to wait for ur other group mates to complete theirs! And when they complete theirs, you realize.. it's not really to the point.. and you shouting at the computer screen.... WAT THE HELL IS THIS...? So, the point is.. why can't the friggin department just give us individual assignments..? It's much more simpler and more productive that way!

Gosh.. I'm just annoyed, and to top it all off.. I have to get sick, it's so annoying! So much things to do and you got this blardee phlegm in your throat, tickling it all the time and friggin running nose that just won't stop running..? WHY CAN'T IT JUST WALK..? gosh.. I'm just annoyed... I really want to sleep...

Anyways, HAPPY 20th Birthday to Ju-Lear...! You'll have to fill in your forms and everything else with a '2' at the front.. hahahah! Hope you enjoy urself and yeah best wishes!

Well.. I really need to sleep........... hope I'll stop coughing.... BYE!

week 6...

Another weekend when by like a breeze, and again it's already week 6. We're already halfway through the semester. Yet again, it feels like I've just took the flight from Malaysia and arrived here last night. Everything seems to be going so fast regardless when you are happy or when you are not. I've grown in these 6 weeks. I've learnt more, I can't say I accomplished more because I'm still as slack as ever. I've learnt to change to come out of the shell that I used to be. I admit, there are still a lot of things I'm not satisfied about myself and I wished I could do better and move forward faster. I always wished for a lot of situations to be different, but I know it will never be and it will always be that way. Truth aren't always nice, are they..? Haha.. guess I just have to deal with it like a man.

This few days, a lot of things ran through in my mind about moving out of IH. I asked myself... would I be happier if i moved out..? How drastically would my life change compared to the life I'm having now..? The good thing about IH is.. you always get to talk to someone when you're bored. Unless we move out in a group, we will never get that. Besides that, you don't have to clean the floor when u mess it up and you don't have to cook all the time! Yeah, I know about my bragging about how sucky life is at IH for the past god knows how many weeks. But, I'm asking myself whether would I be happier or different if I was not here..? How about my beloved game of basketball..? I will not get to play it again..! Gosh.. A huge chunk of my time is spent on basketball, without it, I don't know what I'll be doing..! Sitting around my room and just do nothing..? Haha, I really can't imagine life without basketball... I play basketball almost everyday after dinner. It might not be a sport I'm good in or have an ideal height for.. but I feel like every game is a challenge to me.. every game is different.. with different strategy.. different energy and etc.

I'm confused.. I've always thought I wanted to move out, but suddenly all these things struck me.

10 things i observed from clubbing...

Well, last night was quite a crazy night... I started off buying some hair dye and got cc and ken to helped dye my hair... In the end, there was so much dye that damien, ken and CC could dye their hair as well! haha, so right, now all four of us... has similar hair colour! After that, we decided to go to the loft for clubbing. It was a decision made within 5 minutes and my first ever clubbing experience in Melbourne, yeah I know.. I'm a sad person. Sameer, Rahul K. , Anand, Damien, Ena, Dharen, CC, Ken and I decided to try out the club loft. One of the jokers got kicked out after 2 hours into the night... that was his second time in the space of like.. 3 weeks..? That was amazing...! I wonder what happenned this time... Anyways... I had an ok time... but could see that the rest didn't really enjoy it except for Damien, Anand, and Ena...

1. The place is packed, there is no place to move around...
2. There are more guys than girls at the end of the night so you're basically rubbing your asses with theirs by then..
3. The drinks are expensive, $9 for a bottle of heineken, wahlau!
4. Most of the guys there are there to check out the girls... (doesn't exclude me.. hehe)
5. Most of the guys there.. try too hard.. (ask Anand!)
6. You get pushed to the corner by guys in the dance floor if they see a hot chick dancing there.. or you get pushed by a group of girls if you they see a hot guy dancing!
7. You can't lean on someone's car when you're out of the club!
8. If you don't have balls, you don't pick up! Exception rule: It might be your lucky night.. and you don't even have to try and the girls come to you.. YOU LUCKY BASTARD DW..!
9. If you dance near some girls.. and you don't say anything at all to them... THEY GET PISSED! gosh..
10. Supper after clubbing is always good.. but you tend to fall asleep!

purpose of life...

The weekend passed by like a breeze, shoooo...... two days gone, back to uni on monday. This weekend wasn't too productive, didn't do much, just stayed in and basically watch movies and soccer. Gosh.. weekends could be quite dry over in melbourne sometimes unless u have a car. Most of the time I feel that my day's wasted cause I usually get up at 1 or 2 and by the time I get up the day's already almost over. But yeah.. weekends are sometin that I would looked forward to.. eventhough it could be boring. IH had their open day today, it's good to see parents bringing their kids around the college, smiling and feeling satisfied with the tour you provide them. Most of them looked really amazed with the college. For me, it's 50 bucks earned!

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked me... what's the purpose of life and what's there left to drive you on when you feel your life has no purpose. I gave him an answer, but I don't think that really answered his question. I told him life's a challenge everyday and he's gotta challenge himself everyday. I just wanted him to feel better but I actually do not know. I am as lost as he is. That's one thing I can't understand till now. Sometimes if u asked me, I would say, I would rather be a char kuay teow seller and at least all that I have to think about is to improve my char kuay teow and look at my customer's satisfied face instead of having to study hard and get a job in the complicated corporate world. Sometimes, I sit down and ask myself.. why am I doing this..? What satisfaction do I get from what I'm doing..? Is this really what I want to do..?

I guess life is a cycle that we can't explain but just go on with it. You don't always get the things you really one. You might not be perfect, but you just have to fight for yourself and improve yourself. Things might not look good some times. But hey, you still got plenty of time! Your life might be better tomorrow or in the later years.. just gotta be patient. Everyone has their day and everyone will eventually get what they deserve. It's just like a boat drifting in the ocean, it will eventually find a right and nice island to land on one day. It might not be sure of its direction right now, but when it locates the island, there is where it'll go.

Shit.. analogies again.. hahahhaha.. I should be writing short stories! Haha, enough of preaching.. time for some SLEEP! Have fun for the rest of weekend everyone!

a strange feeling... (emptiness)

Something certainly seems missing from my life in Melbourne. Everytime I'm in my room, some how this negative feeling(emptiness) fills within me. It's a really strange feeling.. it feels so quiet, sometimes soothing but at times it really makes you quite depressed. It seems like the whole world quiets down in your room and the only thing that accompanies me are my songs on my Itunes playlist. I have quite a number of songs... but i seem to be repeating the same songs over and over again. Haha... guess I'm a boring person.

Back to this strange feeling... it takes it's toll on you sometimes. Sometimes you get really sick of it, but there's nothing you could do. There are times that you have to be alone and do your own work or your own stuffs. Well, maybe this semester I've had too much time alone. Aside from playing basketball and chess and cooking I seem to do nothing in my room. Well, i thought having fishes would keep me company, but you just can't stare at that for hours. Ok fine... maybe I don't have the patience to just sit down and look at them swim all the time. Maybe once in a while it's alright. Haha...

Guess.. I'm just sick and tired of doing my reading for my OB assignment, eventhough it's not much reading. I'm just lazy.. that's the fact. Everytime I'm doing work, I'll find an excuse to divert myself into doing something else. I really hope I could fill in more to my life, so that I won't feel this feeling of emptiness. It's good sometimes.. but too much of it.. just makes ur life quite depressing. Guess I have to come out of my shell in greycourt a bit more or probably find some stuffs to do. Any suggestions..? Hehe.. anyways.. back to work..! I shouldn't be slacking..

perceptions...

It's been about 3 weeks since I came back to Melbourne. Things did not start off the way I really wanted it to be, I was troubled by a lot of problems especially with my self-esteem. I felt irresponsible for certain decisions I made. I felt like I could have done better with certain aspects of my life. Well, life's like that.. full with wrong decisions and perceptions.

Sometimes, you hope that the person you care for would really care about you, but I guess in reality things doesn't always go that way. I know I might not be the greatest of person anyone could trust or talk to. I know I might not be the fun guy that could cheer you up when you're down, but at least I know, when you need my help and if you are my good friend or you are a nice person, I would definitely help you. I don't come up with lies that certain people are my good friend and when I'm behind their backs I say different stuffs about my friendship with them. For those ppl, I'm sorry but you are jus not a true friend and you are a hypocrite. I might have criticised certain people or certain individual, but at that point when I'm making that comment it's either I was too angry or I wasn't really thinking. If I've ever done that, I sincerely apologise.

I just hope that certain people would hold to their words. When they tell you nice stuffs like you are a nice guy, you are my best friend or whatsoever, I really hope they actually mean it. Words can be said at anytime and any place but the most important thing is that, they sincerely come out from you. It really beats the point if you go around and tell everyone you're my good friend or whatsoever hoping that you'll have more friends or your friends will help you when you need help. If some of you out there think that I'm not good enough to be your friend, then let me know. I wouldn't say a word..

I can't say that I'm perfect person that have never really made a mistake before, I have made mistakes before and I really regret it right now. I know I shouldn't hope for appreciation when I offer help to anyone at all, but seriously some appreciation will really make up someone's day.

Well, I guess life will never be conflict-free or problem-free. In life, we have to put up ourselves with a lot of truths and lies. We even lie to ourselves sometimes just to put give ourselves some hope. It's not wrong to hope, but it just means that you're lying to yourself.

Hmmmm... my recent posts sounds like morale studies or something like that. I guess I should stop here. Have a pleasant weekend everyone..

CLICK!

hehe.. i watched the movie click! last night off the network. It just makes me think how wonderful would life be under one click! Imagine if someone nags at u, u just need to mute tht person. Or if your neighbour's dog is being a nuisance, just turn the volume down! If u hate certain days of your life or u know it's gonna be a tiring day, jus click forward. Where else, if you are having a good day, you might just wanna pause ur day and let everything stop for that very moment!

Well.. Well.. i guess life ain't that easy and everything's not just a click away! Well, some internet broadcasters might advertise their product with the famous phrase everything is just a click away, but in reality, u actually have to type the blardee webpage's address or maybe even search for it. Even if life was that easy, there are just too many details in our daily life that can't be fast forwarded like that or put onto pilot mode.

As much as I want to have a universal remote control that controls everything, I know in reality we have to face the challenges in our daily life with a positive attitude. Besides that, going forward alone in your life, doesn't mean that you are happy! Well, i feel like I'm preaching, hehe, guess I'm just bored and just wanna post this up so that I don't have to start on my assignment. But oh well, guess I have to go... CLICK!

ANYWAYS, ANYONE KNOW WHERE TO GET A TOILET SEAT WARMER..? TOILET SEATS IN MELBOURNE ARE FREAKING COLD!

there's gotta be more... at least more in my life...

My life has some what become like a daily waste to me. I get up after at least 9 hours of sleep. Even some times when I have 10 hours of sleep i still complain that I'm tired and sleepy. Something is so wrong with me. I don't seem to have the right motivation to be doing things i should be doing. I seem to have gone from bad to worse. I really don't know what's going on with my life. It seems like I spend half a day thinking about unnecessary stuffs and another half of the day sleeping or just wasting my time in front of the laptop.

I've got tonnes of assignments, tute works, and revision of my studies to go through. At this rate, I seriously think I would end up in Malaysia jus frying char kuay teow or sell chicken rice. No kidding! I know I shouldn't live such a life, I know there's more to my life. I know I wasn't here just for me to waste my time or just to wait for summer to come by. There's gotta be more, I'm sure there's gotta be more than this.

Sometimes, I think I choose to be like this, I choose to be the way I am when I know there are more things that I could do or think about. I know a what's going on and it's just me who's preventing myself in excelling in life. My ever-same attitude which is so pessimistic and my lack of courage and determination is preventing me from achieving so much more in life. I think I'm a quitter in many ways. I know what's wrong.. it's just that, I never put an effort to change it. My favourite phrase in my life is.. 'I duno ler, screw it, everything will fall in place eventually.' That's rubbish! I know for sure, everything wouldn't just be there without me putting in any effort. I feel I ain't much different from those idiotic ah bengs going around and collecting protection fees. I'm just like one of them...

I need a change! I want to change! I want to have more than just wasting my day with some routine! I want to be different! BUT HOW..?

cartoons...

Some people think cartoons are really retarted or childish. Others might think cartoons are just for kids and laugh off the idea of watching cartoons. Well, some watch cartoons just for the animation. Yeah, cartoons might always end up with the perfect ending where everyone is happy and all's good which seems unrealistic in many ways cos real life ain't cartoon. Well, i watched cars on my laptop today and i think otherwise...

Cartoons may be unrealistic but we can learn a lot from watching cartoons. From cars, I realized that you don't always have to get everything you want in life to be happy. Sometimes, the simple things in life are those stuffs that really make you happy. I realize the situation I'm in right now is just like lightning mcqueen at the start, all solo and no teamwork. Well, it might get stuffs done but am I really that happy after all..?

Yeah, I have to agree it ain't easy to change, not just after a couple of days building roads. Besides that, I also learnt that you can look at a situation from many perspectives, the good ones or the bad ones. It's all up to you to choose which side you want to look at things from. Well, might sound easy but it's quite hard to always look at things from the good side, especially for a pessimist like me. Hehe..

Anyways, cartoons aren't always just about the animation, the cute characters and they are not jus for kids, there's more to it, like the meanings behind it and the relaxation that you get out of watching it. So, the next time someone tells you cartoons are lame, tell him/her to look at things differently!

my routined life...

Well.. my life has some what become of a routine, doing the same thing over and over again. Haha, chess, basketball, eating, going to uni, reading mangas. That's all I do everyday! I hardly go down to the dinning hall for meals anymore, I really don't know why, but guess I'm just too lazy and there are some things or some stuffs that I just wanna avoid till I've overcome it. I'm trying really hard to get started with my studies and catch up for the time I've wasted on doing and thinking of stupid stuffs, but I really really don't know how to get started!!! DAMN!

Sometimes, I question myself over and over again.. whether I'm just a coward hiding in my room and waiting for things to fall in place by itself without putting any effort. I like to wait till it's too late until the situation can't be changed, that's what I realized about myself. I feel that I could be quite idiotic sometimes. For instance, I don't even know how long 5m is..? CAN U BELIEVE THAT.. I've done physics for like 3 years, and I can't even estimate how long 5m is... I really doubt my intelligence, guess I shouldn't be at uni and sell char kuay teow or bak kut teh back home, at least I won't waste my parent's money.

Well, at the moment, I've found myself a short term goal which is to have my holidays as soon as possible, not the mid-semester break but end of the year break, that's how much I'm looking forward to be back with my family. I really miss them... Other than that, I can't really tell what else am I looking forward to. It's like I'm a drifter that's following the wind and let it take me to where ever it wants to.

3 days back.. still feel the same.. maybe worse..

3 days back at IH, I still feel the same, nothing has changed really, everything is still same old from last semester... except for the fact that I could feel everyone's got their own aims this semester and are actually working towards it except for me. I'm sort of the aimless one, still looking for a goal and can't even decide wat the goal is. However, I've already made a couple of important decisions and I'm glad about it, just that, i don't know what the aftermath of that decision would be.

Well, rearranged my room, got some goldfishes but they seem to be afraid of me. Well, I guess I am not really good with pets. Haha, this semester seems really quiet as everyone is busy with their own stuffs. Hmmm, well the only thing I'm really looking forward to now is the summer holidays, I just got back from a break but suddenly I just feel that I need a break. Anyways, some tutor in IH actually said that I look like a twenty two year old..? Am I that old..? Hmmm, maybe I am. Haha, time to retire from a lot of stuffs especially those sports that require a lot of fitness, I'm just not fit anymore (not to say I was ever fit, but right now it's worse!)

Hmm.. that sums it all up, I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm aimless and I think I'm gonna rot really soon..? Someday u might find some awful smell from my room, that might be my corpse rotting! haha, jk..

10 things i wish for..

1. I wish I could express myself more freely
2. I wish I could be more optimistic about things
3. I wish I had more self-confidence
4. I wish I could be happy all the time
5. I wish I could share my thoughts my feelings with everyone
6. I wish someone could be there for me 24/7 no matter what happens
7. I wish other's could understand what I'm thinking without having to tell them and I wish I could understand other's without them having to tell me what's on their mind
8. I wish I was better in handling problems
9. I wish I could make my decisions straight away...
10. I wish i had more courage..

At the end of the day, many of us wished we were different or wished somethings did not happen or could have happen, but we are what we are, and we know for a fact, somethings could not be changed..

2 weeks left...

My time in malaysia is another 2 more weeks. I hate to admit it, but I really hate the fact that I'm leaving so fast, I really need more time, more time to relax, more time to find myself, before I go back. I haven't had enough rest, maybe I'm just trying to avoid all the stuffs back there. Maybe I'm just not ready..? This 2 weeks had passed by so fast and comfortably that I don't feel like going back to melbourne. My results came out, it was alright, not too good, but yeah, I'm glad I don't have to resit for any exams. I should be thankful with my results considering the amount of work I've done.

What should I do next..? What's more important..? For me to feel happy..? Or to be responsible to everyone..? To accomplish what I should.. or give up.. because I know I'm no good for it..? What's up next..? What's gonna happen..? I really don't want to think bout it, yeah, my hols are really routined and could be boring some times, but I know, my family will always be there for me, protecting me and supporting me. They are the ones who will forgive you when everyone around you refuses to.I've always wished someone could be there 24/7, giving me support and listening to the way I feel, but I know it's hard for that to happen.

It's my holidays, I should be relaxing.. but knowing the fact that I'm leaving soon.. I really have to start making important decisions. This is where I'm not good at! I'm running out of time.. seriously.. maybe I was too busy relaxing.. until it finally hit me..

Should I pursue what I believed in..? How to find back my self-confidence..? How to forget things that I'm supposed to forget..? How to forgive those that betrayed my friendship before..? How to handle things, feelings and everything...? How i wish life was all about what I'm doing now..playing mahjong, having supper and chatting with friends.. it's boring.. but yeah.. at least I'm comfortable with it...! I just feel so hopeless.... Wats next..?

back with the heat...

Yeap.. today's my second day back in Malaysia. So far, it's just been eating and eating and more eating! Gosh.. I think I'm gonna become like a pig by the time I get back to melbourne (not to say I'm not one already)... Everything seems the same back here, everyone looks the same, acts the same, but somehow I feel that I'm different.. I feel that something's missing, some sort of feeling is missing... don't really know what's that, but it's really good to be back.. ! Hmm.. at least I know.. the heat is still the SAME! It's so humid here..! But all's good.. everything's cheap...

Well, I guess I got nothing much to post during the holidays, so I'll try to put as much as possible, my life is quite routined back here, cos I DON'T HAVE A CAR! How sad could that be? I can't go anywhere, stuck at home, just waiting for someone to fetch me out! Aihhhsss.. nvmz.. guess I'll just spend more time at home and please my parents. After all, results are coming really soon! And I don't want to piss them further more with my bad results!

Anyways, I hope everyone enjoys there holidays regardless where they are, melbourne, malaysia or anywhere else.. have a good time and remember to get me souveneirs! TQ TQ...

It takes you quite sometime to realize that you are an idiot..

Today's exam was really bad, it wasn't tough, just that, my organisation of time was really poor and I had no plan at all. The exam ended at 4.15 when I actually thought it was suppose to end at 4.30 p.m. I've made this mistake before in my exam last year when I actually thought my exams were supposed to end at 4.30 p.m but it actually ended at 4.15 p.m and I did not finish like half of the paper, but it was a different situation back then. I got high marks for my assessments and I only needed 25 marks to pass. This time around i need 33 marks out of 80 to pass thats about 42% of the paper. I only did around 60% or maybe even lesser of the paper. I have to be really right with the stuffs i wrote to pass my exams. I know it's over and done with, but I just can't get it off my mind. It was really a bad error, if i had organised my time much better, I would have come out of the exam hall knowing I've passed the paper. I'm really not sure about it right now. I really don't know what to do.

I really do not want to have to do my summer semester, that would mean I'll miss chinese new year back home. Chinese new year is one of my favourite time of the year when I really feel happy. That's when I have a lot of fun with my friends and family. Missing chinese new year may seem unimaginable for me. haha, well, all I could do now is to study as much as possible for the last paper and hope to get a convincing result, at least enough to tell my parents that I did attempt to pass all my exams.

I really doubt myself sometimes. I ask myself whether I'm material for a graduate student and am I material for a good employee of any company in the future. Am I a good son, good friend or a good person? What's my worth to everyone? It keeps building in me. Sometimes u feel, u are good for nothing... u are just here as a bystander to see everyone achieving whatever they want while u stay in wherever u are and watch them.

Sometimes you feel life isn't taking you anywhere...

Some of you guys might be thinking, why is this joker's blog filled with negative stuffs and not any happy stuffs at all..? Is he always depressed? Well, it's actually not always the case, I do have happy times, just that I prefer to keep it to myself and smile back at it sometime later. Well, forgive the negativity for this blog.. I'll really try to put something really really better.. I PROMISE!

Well, it's 1 a.m in the morning and I really feel like I can't study anymore, eventhough i barely studied. I'm just so tired and I feel like giving up! Sometimes I really feel like my life ain't taking me anywhere, I'm just gonna be where I am now forever. Maybe not in terms of age, but in terms of achievements and success in life. I really want to be back home now with my family, my parents, my sisters, my brother and my nephews!

Like what I said before, life is never easy and always filled with tough decisions. You really have to think carefully of the decisions you need to make in life. From the day you were born, you are bound to make decisions for yourself regardless of who is that to help you. A wrong step you make, it's quite hard to turn back. Sometimes you just feel that the whole world is turning it's back on you, god doesn't favour you, or maybe lady luck refuses to smile at you! That's how I suddenly feel right now! Haha, maybe it's the stress from exams and I'm really really worried about cost management.. It does have ABC in it.. but it is not as simple as the aplphabets A,B,C...

Gosh.. you know what's on my crappy mind right now? I'm thinking that, if I really leave this world one day, (ok, I'm not committing suicide and I don't have a fatal disease, don't worry, I'm just saying if) who would be at my funeral weeping and grieving for me except for my family? Hmm.. have you guys ever thought of that..? Well, think about it....

2 down.. 2 more to go..

It's been a tiring week! Work! Play basketball! Cook! Exams! Well, next week, would be my final two papers. I'm not sure how I did for the first two papers, I really hope I did enough to at least get a pass. The last paper is the one that I'm worried about.. COST MANAGEMENT or in short CM.. why can't CM be championship manager (it's a soccer manager game)? Maybe a test on the name of soccer players, where they come from and which club they play for! That'll be great won't it..? Why must we be examed on crap stuffs like.. the cost of a company.. how to reduce it's cost and ways a company can calculate it's cost like the ABC (Activity Based Costing). Why can't it be an exam on A, B, C instead.. only 3 letters! Haha, won't our lives and the lecturer's and tutor's life be easier..? Well.. guess life ain't that easy!

Oh yeah, blur blur actually cycled today! Talking bout miracles huh..? Don't think she looks like someone who would get on the bike.. but she actually survived! And guess what.. one of the annoying guys in college is moving to our floor.. my god.. why of all places.. greycourt 1st floor..? Why not.. another building or maybe move out of IH? He'll make everyone's life better! Yet again... life is never easy.. never gonna be easy and will never ever be easy!

Well i'll sign off with the translation of one of my favourite songs.. sekai ga owaru ma dewa by wands.. go download it..!

In this big city I am all alone
Like an empty can, thrown away
Until we know each other thoroughly
If it's love, then let's sleep in eternity...

Until the world is over, we won't be apart
So I asked in a thousand nights
Why does only a time that won't return is shining
Even a worn out heart will break...
Hopeless thoughts... In this Tragedy Night

Then people demand an answer
And lose something that's irreplaceable
A city filled with desires, even night skies stardust don't shine on us

Before the world is over, please listen to me
A Catastrophe the looks like a full-blown flower
While everyone wishes, no one believes in eternity
Even though they certainly dream about tomorrow
Hopeless days and... This Tragedy Night

Until the world is over, we won't be apart
So I asked in a thousand nights
Why does only a time that won't return is shining
Even a worn out heart will break...
Hopeless thoughts... In this Tragedy Night

This Tragedy Night

a post for you Raymond... and an early Birthday Shout out to Dhanitha and Ck!

Yeap, three things are happening tomorrow. It'll be Ck's 21st and Dhanitha's 20th birthday! Hope both of you have a great birthday and may you guys have a great year ahead of you! Most importantly, one of my good friend, Raymond is leaving for Malaysia and then UK tomorrow.

Well Raymond, here is a small piece of advice for you. What you want may not be what you get all the time. That's what I feel at least, you might think that what you are asking for is just a simple thing and even that it can't be fulfilled. You felt that you fought for it and you tried hard for it. That might be the case for now, but be patient, I'm really sure good things are coming your way. Maybe it'll take a long time, but just hang in there for a while more. You are a great person that's for sure, so I think you need not worry not having friends on your side or anything at all. I really hope the change of environment for you would do you good.

It's been a nice time knowing you for three semesters and I really appreciate the times that we discussed about each other's life, using anime characters to represent our lives and all that. Like the anime characters, I hope you can keep on moving and learn the never say die attitude let it be in UK, melbourne or anywhere at all. Don't worry too much about not being able to participate in a match, I'm sure your time will come when the organisers realizes ur talent. Haha.. anyways, I hope when you go over to UK, there'll be more matches and the organisers are always willing to let you participate.

Besides that, I mean, even though I don't realize it, life is not always what you see only, it's actually more than that. You might not be able to see it right now, but as the time goes by, you'll realize that there is more to life! Most importantly, never give up and keep fighting with the Shohoku spirit..!

Anyways, I wish you best of luck in UK and I hope that things will change for the better for you! Good luck and all the best my friend!

Three options in life : search.. guess... ignore..

Search...
You always search for answers.. search how others think of you, how they judge you and how they really treat you. You search for care by giving others care. You seek for help from those you care when you are in trouble. However, you get confused sometimes but all you can do is continue searching. You try to understand why people act in a certain way. You wonder whether they are naive, ignorant or they are just the way they are and they are just selfish. You can't help to wonder whether they only see themselves in their eyes. You can't help to think whether they actually care about others or they are just putting up an act to make themselves look good in front of others. They don't realize that when they are doing certain stuffs, they are affecting others as well. This option is HARD!

Guess...
You make the wrong guess bout yourself, that's alright, but when you make a wrong guess bout others, you are screwed MATE! So, I'm quite sure I won't guess anything again..

Ignore...
Ignore is the best option to choose. Ignore about what others think of you. Ignore how others actually treat you, whether they are real or they are fake. It doesn't really matter. Ignore it when others bring you down, ignore it when others do not really care what you do. Live life the way you want, ignore them! Ignore those bastards who only think of themselves and not other's trouble! Ignore care, care only for yourself! Ignore everyone! Your life will be much simpler and care-free!

those were the days we will never get again...

I've been looking at pictures and videos of the past two semesters, it just strikes me, what went wrong? who changed? Is it me? Is it them? or is it everyone has changed? It really makes me wonder when will be the next time, we'll go crazy again, dancing to the beat even without getting drunk, talking till the next morning in a group, studying in the JCR and singing random songs. Everything seems to pass by so fast just like a dream I had last night. Sometimes, you wish you could just stay at the best moments of your life and never move from there, but you know you can't. You wish you could turn back the clock and change certain things or avoid something. You wish to go back to happier times, when everyone was still the same, but you know that is impossible.

I really think the world would be a better place if no one ever grows up, just being childish and happy all the time. Life would be much simpler and there will be not so much arguments at all. Even if there were, everyone will forgive one another and just continue having fun. I really want to do that, but I know I can't. People say that, as you grow up, you sacrifice more and more stuffs. Is fun part of the things that you sacrifice..? Why can't everyone just lead a simple life? The fact is i'm 19 plus, I can't act childish anymore, I want to have fun, but I have to be mature as well. Regardless what everyone, say everyone is judging one another all the time and everyone has to be responsible for their actions.

At the end of the day, there are many things that you wished you have not done or wished that it had not change. The fact is that, things have changed, people change as well and there's nothing we could do about it. Those fun days will be in everyone's memories until the day they leave this world. 20 years from now, you'll look back at the pictures and say, hey, I did have fun alright. However, the point is that, there's no way we could turn back time and there's no way we could change the past. We could just move on and look to a brighter future... and hope that things will change for the better..

words from a loser...

Sometimes words from others really bothers me, but I think I've learnt to listen only to what i want and reject whatever that I refuse to. Some people say pointless remarks about you to bring you down. You don't understand why they do it, but they just seem to do it all the time. Yeah, I admit I've done it to others before, but not to the extend that I don't know when to talk and when not to not talk.
I know you think I'm a loser, for not being able to do certain things. If it makes you happy, I admit, I'm a loser. So..? Does it make any difference to you? I am what I am.. I don't think it affects you...

Sometimes you want to change, sometimes you wanna be different, but people seems reluctant to let you do so, they seem reluctant to let you change for their own benefits. It is as if, I have to be the way that they like to entertain them or amuse them. I am low in self-confidence and believe, but I don't think that should be the reason for someone to step over my head and bring me down over and over again. I think it's unfair for someone to take advantage of others when they know they're weak or when they know they're weaknesses. Maybe you could do that, just not all the time.

I know I might be a good for nothing fool, but at least, have a little respect for who I am. I am not your floor mat, that you can step on everyday or a toilet bowl that you can sit on everyday. If you think I'm gonna let you do that, you're wrong.. really wrong.

Anyways, I believe it happenned for a reason, a reason for me to believe that I shouldn't just sit and wait for others to take advantage of my weaknesses. It gives me a reason to get back to my old self, one which has much more confidence. I know it's hard to prove to others what I am, but at the end of the day, I think it's more important for me to prove to myself that I'm worth something.

All I can say is, you can judge me however you want, you can bring me down all you want, but I just want to let you know that when you are down and you are in need of some one to help you, I won't be there, I'll just sit and laugh at you (sorry for being harsh, but that's how you treated me).

my unaswered questions..

After reading CC's blog, I realized one thing. I've been asking myself too many questions even before I managed to answer them. I realized I've been worrying about certain stuffs that I can't even predict will happen. I realized I lack the courage or the will to find the answers to my questions and that I've been waiting all this while for my questions to be answered by itself. I really never thought of finding an answer or solution to the problems. I guess I tried, but not hard enough.

Yesterday was not a bad day, went to the casino with damien and 24 but lost quite a fair bit there. ShHHHhhhh! Do not tell anyone about it! Well, I didn't felt that bad after losing, I guess I was doing something that I like, that is why I didn't really feel that bad. Yeah, I did lose, I learnt my lesson, that it's quite impossible to beat the roullette system there. But, important thing is that I had fun. I've been doing all the stuffs that I really want yesterday, watching Happy Gilmore, having a good laugh, went to starbucks and sat down there and study. And I watched episode 44 of slam dunk which was quite inspiring I guess. I don't know whether it was because of the song or the actions. But, it seem to be rather inspiring. If I could always show that never say die attitude, and find answers to my questions and problems. I guess I'll be a much better person...

The common thing..

The thing that I realize about everyone including me is that no one really cares about small issues until a big problem eventually happens. Sometimes, we know that there is a problem just that we choose to ignore it or it may seem to be insignificant at that time. I thought all the little problems seemed so insignificant to me at the start, so I chose to ignore them or most of them or at least I kept them to myself. As time passes by, the small problems which seems so small at that time are collectively large and is really a big problem collectively. However, at the same time when u break it down to its parts it just seemed like a 1+1 mathematics question. Yeah, i think it's better to solve a 1+1 question rather than solving something that is like x^(infinity) or something like that. Well, guess that's just what we are and what we always do, really can't change the situation, can we..?

The night was long for me, a lot ran in my mind. At the end of the day, I asked myself the reason i thought for so long. Is it really that important..? There are more important things right now.. why not focus on that first and let all the rest fall in place by itself..? Am I really someone who could make a change in the situation for others..? I think certain things or most things will make do without me being there.. I guess. Am I really a good friend or an individual? What is it that I want..? The questions just goes on and on and on. I'll never find an answer to them.. so why not just ignore them..? All I can do now, is let time prove everything..

Happy Belated Birthday CC! Hope you had a good one...!

well, cc you requested for a shout out, there you got it. Happy birthday to you, you are born in the zoo with the monkey and piggies, happy birthday to CC! Anyways, yeah.. hope u had a great birthday and hope u are enjoying yourself with that foot spa of yours. The foot spa is really relaxing.. it's a great device to use while you are studying! feel like getting one.. but no money!

Anyways, a lot's been going on, a lot's been happening. Can't explain, can't tell why. Haha, if there was a weather forecast about my thoughts and emotions it will fluctuate from -40 degrees celsius to 43 degrees celsius..? tht's like summer and extreme winter on a day! well, i think that sums it all up about myself! I'm drifting away into the own little world of mine day by day where i'm the only person who actually exists ----> KH's LIL WORLD!!

Sometimes I feel, reputation is very important. If you've got a good reputation people will believe whatever you say regardless whether is right or wrong. They have the power to manipulate and convince others I guess. Guess.. I don't really have that convincing power. Maybe I'm a just a little man with little ambition and little self-confidence. If I was a solider, I guess I'll lose the war even before it actually started, haha! Guess that's why sometimes I think I'm quite insignificant when it comes to certain things. I can't change people's view of me, I just have to prove them wrong sometimes, but I guess at the moment, I've really got nothing to prove myself.

At the end of the day, what matters the most is for you to believe in yourself.. because if you lose believe in yourself.. you sort of like lose everything.

just a quick update...

Hmmm.. the weekend was not that bad.. watched mission impossible 3.. did a fair bit of my only assignment left.. and still NOT STUDYING.. i got a feeling i'm screwed... haha.. but I'm still not doing anything bout it.. can't believe i'm still so calmed. We went to crown casino on randy's birthday for buffet, and I had a lot of food.. well not as much as the two 'girls', blur blur n jo(sometimes, I really wonder whether I should categorise them as girls especially when it comes to eating). Haha, I think they had more than most of the guys who went for the buffet. MONSTERS! Ohh.. i won my first twenty bucks in the casino! But I guess.. winning is not that good.. it makes u want to go back again.. hmmm.. maybe I shall stop! Ohh.. and on the bright side, IH won public speaking in the inter-collegiate public speaking with an asian speaker..? SURPRISED HUH..?

Well, another month to go, and i'll be back in Malaysia on june 24th! Things seemed to improve slightly, hopefully it builds on from here and hope my emotional rollercoaster slows down a bit. Been watching a lot of movies especially comedies to cheer myself up.. I talked to one of my friend the other day and realize that we have the same problem : emptiness. Sometimes, you just feel empty.. hmmmm.. like a glass without water..? well, I guess everyone feels empty at times and not only me. Probably I feel it more than others lately. I don't know why.... shall find out.. soon!

Anyways, hope everyone else continue to have fun and study hard at the same time!

I'm an idiot!

Haha.. in my last post.. i made an error by saying i'm going back on 23rd of November when I'm actually going back on the 23rd or 24th of June and I kept telling all my friends that I'm going back on the 24th of November. My friends were quite surprised to hear me saying that I'm only going back on November. Ju-Lear asked me, aren't you going back in June..? I said yeah.. i'm going back in June.. then she asked me to look at my personal message on msn and I actually typed in 24th November! However, I was quite sure I booked my flight on 24th of June. I even laughed at Damien because I got a flight on 24th June and I called the ticket centre later than him. I told him that the stupid guy who picked up my call gave me preference because I called in later..? haha.. doesn't make sense at all. So, he called the ticket center again and they told him that he was still on the waiting list for the flight on 24th of June. I was quite shocked.. because I just called like 5 minutes ago and they gave me a flight on 24th June!?

Well, while we were having supper, I told everyone how stupid I am by telling everyone on msn that I was going back on november, and blur blur came up to me and told me that I actually said that I was going back on November instead of June on my blog. Oh well, i told myself.. it was just a typo, but I was getting worried that I actually booked my flight back on november and decided I should call the ticket center to double check. And to my horror, this afternoon, when I called the ticket center, I actually booked my flight on 24th of November! hahahhaha.. that's crazy! I'm such an idiot.. gosh..! can't believe it.. thank god I double checked it, if not, I'll be waiting at the airport on 24th of June.. and waving bye to the airplane.. haha.. anwyays... I've changed it now.. I'm going back on the 23rd of June.. I wonder what's on my mind at times..!? hmmm.......

Timeout

Wow... how things change.. a month ago.. i was worried about theatre sports.. and suddenly it's postponed till next semester....! that's great news for me.. my last responsibility will be public speaking on saturday.. at least for this semester.. finally.. it's all almost over.. i'll be going back to Klang on june 23rd.. I'm sure it's gonna be good to meet my friends back there and play a lil' mahjong.. a lil' poker and have a chat till like 5 in the morning.. watching the World Cup.. yeah... i think it's a break tht i need.. to sort out my stuffs.. wif my family there.. not to mention.. my lovely nephew..! ahha.. i wonder how much he has changed!

Well.. klangnites.... beware.. i'll be back soon..

am I that perfect..?

Sometimes it really strikes me that I'm judging others too much. After I judge some one, I actually think to myself whether am I really that perfect..? Am I supposed to judge some one else..? I feel guilty after I judged some one else, but at that point when i was making the judgement and I actually say it out.. I wasn't thinking about myself.. what would others think of me..? how would they judge me..? I really need to know.. what sort of person others think I am... I really need to..At the moment, I think I should stop making judgements about others.. I think it's really unfair for the person I judge.. because they were not given a chance to explain themselves.. maybe they had a reason..? maybe they are not really that mean..? maybe I'm expecting too much..? maybe i'm just incomplete..?

I really hope I could turn the clock around.. and stop it at times when it's much happier.. when things are much simpler.. and what u do is just have fun..? where are those fun-filled days without worries..? are they gone.. gone forever..? am I going to stuck at this situation in the rest of my life..? am I going to move on and have better days..? my life is just filled with questions that are unanswered at that moment.. WHO CAN HELP ME ANSWER SOME OF THEM..? I'm just like a lost kid.. trying to find his way back home.. to some where he actually belongs.. some where he'll feel comfortable.. some where he could seek for refuge and protection.. or at least some where he could just have fun with his friends.. and nothing else!

I don't know how long it'll take me.. to finally get to where I want.. but I believe.. someday.. some how... I think I'll make it..

I would really like to apologise to those people that I've judged before (eventhough u don't know who u are).. I'm really sorry... because I know..at the end of the day.. I'm not that perfect as well...

Just another manic monday...and hectic tuesday

This is a summary of monday and tuesday:

I guess I got up at the wrong side of bed today, i feel so tired even after i slept for 8 hours and I'm having a headache.. I think I need more sleep! haha.. well I wasn't deep in sleep though, had a couple of nightmares... not really nightmares.. but still dreams that are quite bad! How I wish every monday was either a Saturday or Sunday..? Exams are around the corner... pressure is on.. the things on my mind.. keeps building again... after the weekend.. a lot too plan.. a lot to think for.. Guess what..? Later on monday, I was trapped in the elevator in Scheps with two other girls for half an hour. That was like my first time trapped in an elevator. And my 'GREAT' and 'WONDERFUL' friends.. came all the way to laugh at me inside the elevator. HOW COOL!? I was not that nervous, but still they should have at least sing a song for me.. or entertain me outside the elevator.. rather than JUST MAKING FUN OF ME.. watch out.. the next time you guys are trapped in the elevator.. especially BLUR BLUR! and yeah.. no one turned up for theatre sports.. another off night for me.. GREAT...! HAHA.. guess what.. WADHAM and CLUNIES HAD a powercut for more than 12 hours ! LOSERS!

Hectic tuesdays...
I actually woke up by myself for class.. and I didn't fall asleep again.. for the first time.. checked out the shower and it was engaged.. so I thought I'll go have breakfast first.. and when I got back (after 20 minutes).. it was still engaged! No one in my building showers for that long except for me.. Later that evening, when I got back from classes, I saw a bottle of papaya bodywash and two bottles of paul mitchell shampoo.. I knew.. it could be only one person.... and that person has to be JOANNA CHOONG LI SHAN (the culprit).. hogging the greycourt shower for an hour... and miss POH SHEANEE.. missed her class because of her long shower (SHE NEVER MISS CLASSES)...girls (or maybe the girls I know) are just.. VAIN!!! ahhahahhahaha.. anyways, it was a hectic day.. theatre sports didn't go too well, almost done with assignment and I HAD A WEIRD DREAM.. I dreamt that I failed an online malay language test in Genting Highlands.. My dad had to bring me up to genting highlands on a roller coaster and drop me off at the HOTEL...? weird eh..? I fell asleep during my exams and I FAILED.. gosh.. weird dreams I have.. anyways.. i'll post something more interesting as the days come buy that is not related to me.. I HOPE.. haha.. instead of talking bout my routines and my boring life.. EVERYDAY!

great weekend...

Well this weekend was great.. not really a lot to do, but comfortable, peaceful and relaxing.. I haven't felt this relaxed for quite sometime.. maybe I've learnt to let things go.. maybe I've grown..? maybe I look at things more positively now..? maybe things starts to look good from now onwards..? I can't tell.. but to let time tell.. Cafe International is finally over.. stress over for all the co-ordinators especially damien who works his ass off for it.. can't understand why though.. maybe i should learn.. a lot of things came through my mind this week.. i asked myself.. am I really matured..? am I really ready to take on any challenge that is thrown at me..? what do I actually want..? what are my problems..? I feel that my life is filled with questions at the moment.. a sign of uncertainty within me...

Well, fun is almost over, the next few weeks will be stressful and hard to go through... still not sure whether I'm going back.. those guys wanna go Sri Lanka at the end of the year..? don't think I can afford.. have to see what happens.. It'll be great to travel.. but I would really love to go to either the States, Europe or at least Angkor Wat.. the scenery there looks awesome.. haha.. SEE.. I'm already dreaming.. can't blame me.. it's already 4 a.m in the morning.. and I am still awake.. reflecting my week.. and looking into my future.. haha... well.. this will be a short post again.. hope to have a great week ahead for everyone!

Avoiding..?

Today started off early for me.. I actually went for my class early in the morning.. I felt alright today.. I knew it was gonna be a tiring day.. but i made a vow to go for all my classes... yeah... and i did.. i did not concentrate that well though.. everytime it gets bored.. i wander into my own little world.. dreaming of stuffs that will never happen, thinking of stuffs that I'm not supposed to think of during lectures and thinking of my duties for the day. Family has been on my mind quite recently.. I realize.. nothing is as important as your family.. no matter what happens.. I had a chat with my mom last night.. and I jus wouldn't put down the phone.. because.. I wanna feel at home..I guess I know where I'm bound for this winter break unless something rather interesting pops up!

Sometimes, I feel like.. I can't handle problems.. instead of handling my problems.. I choose to avoid them.. I've been looking for a solution.. but I really can't find one... or I'm just reluctant to (see, I'm avoiding again!) I just like to avoid problems.. and let them accumulate.. at times, i thought I've solved them, but it seems like.. it keeps getting back to me.. oh well.. that's how i lived my life for the past 3 years... sitting back.. n waiting for miracles to happen..

anyways.. I shall keep this post short.. I realize.. my posts.. are like essays.. u know.. enough words for a PMR english paper!

another day has gone by

It's the start of a new week.. it seems like this week is a really busy week with two assignments in hand.. wished I did more last week.. but I was really under a lot of pressure.. It feels like time is moving like a bullet train.. maybe even faster than that.. the exam timetables are out.. apparently I'm ending my exams on the 21st of June.. which means.. I'm ending late again.. MAN.. THIS SUCKS!

Anyways, I'm still considering whether I should go back or should I stay here and go on a trip..? I really miss my friends and family back home and I miss all the mamak sessions.. all the fun without any pressure.. I guess.. when u've known one another for 12 years.. there's no holding back on what you can say and what you cannot say.. you just tell everything! yeap.. I'm quite looking forward to going back.. to refresh myself with an environment that I'm really comfortable in.. and gaining some weight with all the delicacies back home.. I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO EAT SOME PROPER MEALS.. the meals at IH SUCKS! Yet, at the same time.. I do not want to miss out on any fun trips over here..! Well, I shall decide soon..

It's 5.39 p.m now.. another 1 hour and 6 minutes away from yet another dinner at IH.. As I've said before.. I really hate going down for dinner! I really hate making announcements...! Haha.. I guess I'm just complaining a lot nowadays.. nothing seems to please me.. I've been quite a lousy person lately and acting weird.. yeah.. weird's the word.. AM I HAVING PMS..? Anyways, another day has gone by, nothing's really changed, things seem to improve slightly and I NEED GOOD FOOD...... !